We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Moving house...

We’re moving house soon. Probably within the next two to three months. Sometimes I feel sad about it; even though I know that it will be a positive step for us.

The house we live in now was the house we planned to bring our babies home to. The front room decked out in blues and greens for them (because we wouldn’t have wanted to know what gender they were going to be before they were born). I can even picture what the room would have been like – what kind of cot we would have, what kind of frieze around the walls, what kind of light fitting. It was all sorted.
We just never counted on our babies not turning up.

So, we have decided that we will move to a new home – it will be a psychological shift for us in moving from a home we would have had children in to a home that will be ours as a couple.

In moving house, we will be making a new start. A fresh start. And sometimes that’s hard to acknowledge. Despite us being relatively okay with the fact that we won’t be having children, the pain of it never really completely goes away, and even after we move I don’t think it will disappear entirely. It’s like there is a hole in my heart that will never fully heal.

Moving to a new home will help – I won’t imagine every time I walk down the hallway of how I thought our babies would learn to walk up and down it. I won’t picture the cubby house we had planned to build in the back yard. I won’t walk into ‘their’ room and feel that emptiness.

Goodness! I’m starting to get teary!


Milly said...

Hi, I have just stumbled across your blog in an attempt to find someone like me. I think you are very brave, and that moving to a new home was a wise decision. As for me, letting go has crossed my mind, but that's all. We're still trying. The most difficult part for us isn't the house, even though we did have plans for it, but dealing with our friends. We are the very last not to have any children. We are very happy for all of them, but it's getting to a point where being in there company is becomming unbearable, and seeing their profiles on facebook is just reminds us of what we don't have.
I'm not sure how to deal with these feelings as I love my friends.
So I'm very glad I have found your blog. It will be helpful to be able to connect to someone and feel less alone!
So, thanks for sharing. :)

Kate Bettison said...

Hi again, Milly! I'm glad that this blog is helping others in similar situations to ours. It can be really hard when it seems like everybody else is having children - and spending time with people and their children can be very difficult. I think what made it somewhat easier for us is that many of our friends had children before we even started trying (Kirby and I met in our thirties)and so we already had a contingent of children that we adored. Even so, there are times that are very painful - I don't try to fight these anymore - I let them be and take a walk, or talk to Kirby, or even throw a mini-tantrum on the floor! My friends are also wonderfully understanding - so I am very lucky in that respect. Milly - I'm glad you found my blog too - you are most definitely not alone!