We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Wear a Star Day

I’ve often thought about ways that I could honour the memory of our babies – the two I lost in early miscarriage and the two that didn’t stay during IVF. There was nothing I could think of that seemed right. I thought about having a ceremony somewhere and inviting family and friends, but I’ve never got around to organising it and the more time that passes the less appealing that idea has become.
I even thought about getting a tattoo of two little hands holding one another, but again it just didn’t feel right. I don’t need something like a tattoo to remember them.

Still – the yearning for some way I could remember them remained.
One of my friends invited me to check out a Facebook page called “Wear a Star Day.” I had no idea what it was about and wasn’t that fussed about going to the page (I get a lot of suggestions for pages I should look at!), but I did and I was blown away.

The creators of this page have set aside the 12th April as “Wear a Star Day”, where people who have been affected by the loss of a child can wear a star to remember them. This means the loss of any child, from miscarriage to stillbirth to losing a child any time during their lives. The creators of the page were hoping for 10,000 people to sign up, but there are already 22,000 – this, to me, just shows how many people are affected by the loss of a child.

For me it is a way that I can remember and celebrate our babies once a year.
People can wear any type of star (necklace, earrings, brooch, sticker…) and I’ve chosen to wear a brooch that I’ve bought off of a website called Etsy.

I’ll finish with the comment I put on the “Wear a Start Day” page:

“Thank you for giving us a day where we can say they were here and they were loved.”

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Baby Shower

Last Sunday afternoon I found myself outside under our big gum tree being comforted by my dogs Ari and Odi. Ari had his head on my lap sighing every now and then and Odi was on the bench next to me snuggling as close as possible. I was sad.

Two of my favourite people in the world are having a baby in April and it was the baby shower. All of the other people there, bar one of my other beautiful friends, were pregnant, had children, or were children! I love baby showers – I love babies, I love seeing all the cute little outfits and toys, and I love joining in the celebration of the impending arrival.

But, it is really hard too. I see how beautiful my friend is carrying her child and how excited her Mum is and her husband, and her sweetheart little daughter, and I realise that will never experience that. I will never know what it is like to carry a child in my body – to feel it grow and move. I’ll never be the centre of a celebration like a baby shower.

I will never know what it is like to be pregnant. Okay, I was pregnant twice, but I lost them both very, very early. It is magical to me how a baby grows and develops from a microscopic thing into a human being in just nine months, and how that growth changes and shapes a woman’s body. I guess, in a way, it will always stay completely magical to me because I will never experience it.

I am really thankful that my friends include us in events like the baby shower, because they could easily not, given we don’t have children. But, our friends know how important they and their children are to us. We wouldn’t miss any of it – even if it is hard sometimes.

By the way - Ari and Odi did not look like their photos here when they gave me cuddles....