Remembering dates…

Last week I was berating myself because I realized I had mixed up the dates of my three IVF cycles and the due dates of the babies from those cycles if they had been born.

I didn’t think that we had worked out when our baby would be due for the first cycle because the cycle was cancelled. I figured out that the baby from the second cycle would have been due on, or around, the 8^th of April (our wedding anniversary), and that the baby from the last cycle would have been due on, or around, the 14^th of September (my Dad’s birthday).

I was certain about those dates, especially over the past few years. I remembered and even celebrated my children based on those dates. We have photos the two embryos that we created and I had one close by me on the 8^th of April and the other on the 14^th of September.  I reflected on what ages our children would be and what they might be like.

I recently obtained my clinical records from when we did IVF. They were rather confusing to read, but what was clear were the dates of the cycles we did, and they differed from my recollections.

The baby from the first cycle, had the cycle not been cancelled, would have been due around the 8^th of April. The baby from the second cycle would have been due on or around the 5^th of June. I did have the date of the final round of IVF correct and the baby would have been due around my Dad’s birthday.

I was upset at myself last week, but I am not anymore for the following reasons.

Going through IVF is incredibly stressful. It consumes your life. Everything is put into trying to have a baby. There are injections and medications to keep up with, regular appointments with doctors and nurses, and everything has to fit in amongst keeping a regular life. There are massive fluctuations in hormones that are a side effect of the medications. Wave upon wave of emotions such as hope, despair, anger, and excitement can flatten or elate you. It is one of the hardest experiences we have ever gone through. Is it any wonder I might have mixed up the dates? I didn’t have any records until recently and had to rely on my memory. I hadn’t kept a journal for the entire experience as I initially thought I would. At times, when we were doing IVF, I didn’t know what day it was or what I was doing or even how I was feeling.  Much of the time was just a confusing blur.

I can’t berate myself for mixing up the dates during the most stressful time I have had in my life. It is not fair on me to do so.

To me intention is important. If someone says or does something that upsets me or I don’t agree with I will consider what their intention was. If their intention was good hearted then I focus on that rather than the words said or the actions taken. Of course, this is always to a point and sometimes I will let the person concerned know if I am hurt by their words or actions, but mostly I let it go.

My intention has always been to remember our children. I don’t want them to fade away to nothing, but to stay in my memory. I got the dates wrong, but my intention was based on my love for my children. I can’t berate myself for that. I remember them regularly and I have had specific dates during the year that I take extra time to reflect on them and wear my star of remembrance. My kids know that I love them.

Now I know the actual dates of our IVF cycles I can change the dates during the year that I especially reflect upon my children. If there had been a baby created from the first cycle of IVF it would have been due on the 8^th of April, but there was not even a spark of life created. This date has returned to being our wedding anniversary only.

I now have the 5^th of June to reflect on our second cycle and the embryo that was created then. And, the 14^th of September remains as the day for reflection for the embryo from the third cycle.

I have changed the dates, my children know I have kept on loving them and will always love them, and there is no need, and never was, any reason to berate myself. 

Wear a Star Day – after thinking for a day…

After yesterday’s blog entry I did a lot of thinking about “Wear a Star” day and how it seems not to include infertility anymore.

Before I wrote the blog entry I put a message on the “Wear a Star” Facebook page asking why changes were made to the day to become more religion based and to no longer include infertility. I received a response from a woman, which was:

“Don't feel excluded... Wear a Star for any little angel baby you want to represent  And its not about "religion" its just about loving people the way Jesus did... unconditionally and whole heartedly  So WEAR a STAR proudly because ALL are WELCOME!!!”

I really appreciate this comment. My fear, as often comes along, is that my loss of my babies is considered unimportant in relation to people who have had miscarriages or lost a child after birth. The loss of my babies is different to losses through miscarriage or the death of a child, but it is my pain. The comment by this woman has brought me back to realizing that other people do understand that I grieve for my children.

And with regard to mentioning Jesus – I do believe that Jesus was one incredible person with a deep heart and soul, and with a true understanding of love. So, to love like Jesus did doesn’t have to be religious – it just means to strive to care for one another and show compassion. I like that.

I’ve also realized that it is up to me and to Kirby how we remember and love our children. They are our stars when the night is dark. They shine for us.

So, tomorrow I will wear the star for my babies with love for them, with compassion for everyone who has lost children, and to honour all the babies and children who were taken too soon.

Wear a Star Day 2014...

I am feeling quite hurt and angry just at the moment.

I first wrote about “Wear a Star” day over two years ago. I was so thrilled to find a movement which I could be a part of that would give me a way to honour our babies. The day was for people who had lost children, including, I thought, people who were unable to have children.

I bought a beautiful, antique brooch especially for “Wear a Star” day on the 12^th of April that year, 2012. I also wore the brooch the following year, and up until today I had every intention of wearing it this coming Saturday. This post was going to be about "Wear a Star" day and how important it was to me.

My star brooch

I just looked at the Facebook page for “Wear a Star” and I noticed that there was no mention of people who are unable to have children and it is also run by a Christian organization – The R Project. I don’t recall any religious organization being involved in the first “Wear a Star” day, although I might have just missed it in the details. The wording on the Facebook page and the website of “The R Project” is certainly more religious based.

I am sitting here feeling really unsure and confused. I am not overly religious and I don’t hold the same beliefs as the organization behind “Wear a Star” day and that they promote as important to “Wear a Star” day. Therefore, how can I be a part of the day now?

Also, my children only got to the point of being a “bunch of cells” (I hate writing that), but they were the closest I ever got to my children. I was never clinically pregnant, but when I saw those little beings flickering with life on the screen at the IVF clinic, just  before they were transferred into me, I fell in love. Whatever they were to be was already there – hair colour, eye colour, gender, tendencies toward certain interests and hobbies. Would they be messy like me? Would they love computers like Kirby? They were real – they existed.

But they are now no longer worthy of being remembered on “Wear a Star” day. 

That really hurts. I have to think about all of this…

Wear a Star Day

I’ve often thought about ways that I could honour the memory of our babies – the two I lost in early miscarriage and the two that didn’t stay during IVF. There was nothing I could think of that seemed right. I thought about having a ceremony somewhere and inviting family and friends, but I’ve never got around to organising it and the more time that passes the less appealing that idea has become.
I even thought about getting a tattoo of two little hands holding one another, but again it just didn’t feel right. I don’t need something like a tattoo to remember them.

Still – the yearning for some way I could remember them remained.
One of my friends invited me to check out a Facebook page called “Wear a Star Day.” I had no idea what it was about and wasn’t that fussed about going to the page (I get a lot of suggestions for pages I should look at!), but I did and I was blown away.

The creators of this page have set aside the 12th April as “Wear a Star Day”, where people who have been affected by the loss of a child can wear a star to remember them. This means the loss of any child, from miscarriage to stillbirth to losing a child any time during their lives. The creators of the page were hoping for 10,000 people to sign up, but there are already 22,000 – this, to me, just shows how many people are affected by the loss of a child.

For me it is a way that I can remember and celebrate our babies once a year.
People can wear any type of star (necklace, earrings, brooch, sticker…) and I’ve chosen to wear a brooch that I’ve bought off of a website called Etsy.

I’ll finish with the comment I put on the “Wear a Start Day” page:

“Thank you for giving us a day where we can say they were here and they were loved.”