We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Remembering dates…

Last week I was berating myself because I realized I had mixed up the dates of my three IVF cycles and the due dates of the babies from those cycles if they had been born.

I didn’t think that we had worked out when our baby would be due for the first cycle because the cycle was cancelled. I figured out that the baby from the second cycle would have been due on, or around, the 8th of April (our wedding anniversary), and that the baby from the last cycle would have been due on, or around, the 14th of September (my Dad’s birthday).

I was certain about those dates, especially over the past few years. I remembered and even celebrated my children based on those dates. We have photos the two embryos that we created and I had one close by me on the 8th of April and the other on the 14th of September.  I reflected on what ages our children would be and what they might be like.

I recently obtained my clinical records from when we did IVF. They were rather confusing to read, but what was clear were the dates of the cycles we did, and they differed from my recollections.

The baby from the first cycle, had the cycle not been cancelled, would have been due around the 8th of April. The baby from the second cycle would have been due on or around the 5th of June. I did have the date of the final round of IVF correct and the baby would have been due around my Dad’s birthday.

I was upset at myself last week, but I am not anymore for the following reasons.

Going through IVF is incredibly stressful. It consumes your life. Everything is put into trying to have a baby. There are injections and medications to keep up with, regular appointments with doctors and nurses, and everything has to fit in amongst keeping a regular life. There are massive fluctuations in hormones that are a side effect of the medications. Wave upon wave of emotions such as hope, despair, anger, and excitement can flatten or elate you. It is one of the hardest experiences we have ever gone through. Is it any wonder I might have mixed up the dates? I didn’t have any records until recently and had to rely on my memory. I hadn’t kept a journal for the entire experience as I initially thought I would. At times, when we were doing IVF, I didn’t know what day it was or what I was doing or even how I was feeling.  Much of the time was just a confusing blur.

I can’t berate myself for mixing up the dates during the most stressful time I have had in my life. It is not fair on me to do so.

To me intention is important. If someone says or does something that upsets me or I don’t agree with I will consider what their intention was. If their intention was good hearted then I focus on that rather than the words said or the actions taken. Of course, this is always to a point and sometimes I will let the person concerned know if I am hurt by their words or actions, but mostly I let it go.

My intention has always been to remember our children. I don’t want them to fade away to nothing, but to stay in my memory. I got the dates wrong, but my intention was based on my love for my children. I can’t berate myself for that. I remember them regularly and I have had specific dates during the year that I take extra time to reflect on them and wear my star of remembrance. My kids know that I love them.

Now I know the actual dates of our IVF cycles I can change the dates during the year that I especially reflect upon my children. If there had been a baby created from the first cycle of IVF it would have been due on the 8th of April, but there was not even a spark of life created. This date has returned to being our wedding anniversary only.

I now have the 5th of June to reflect on our second cycle and the embryo that was created then. And, the 14th of September remains as the day for reflection for the embryo from the third cycle.

I have changed the dates, my children know I have kept on loving them and will always love them, and there is no need, and never was, any reason to berate myself. 

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