I’ve just reread my blog entry from two days ago. I really was in a bad place and it was very difficult at the time to see how I was going to get myself up and going again. It was almost as if I didn’t want to be happy – how could I be happy when our child was missing from our lives? How could I care about anything else? It all seemed so superficial. Everything I was doing was worthless if I couldn’t have my baby.
Yesterday I had a bit of an insight. I was still feeling angry – at myself mostly – for not being able to have a child and for feeling so down and pathetic and not having the stamina to get up and see what I do have. I resented where I was and I resented myself for being there. I thought I was wallowing a bit, but I couldn’t seem to shake it. Then, clear as a bell, the words popped into my head “If you can’t be compassionate to yourself, how can you expect to be compassionate to other people?”
It was a wakeup call. I didn’t need to fight the feelings I was having, I just needed to give them a bit of space without becoming attached to them. Trying to fight them was only giving them fuel to burn on. Letting them be, watching them, and feeling compassion for them, as well as for myself, took away the power they were having over me. I watched my feelings – my sorrow, grief, anger – like they were children who were tired and fractious. I opened up to them and let them know it was okay. I imagined myself and my feelings as small children who didn’t need to be yelled at – they needed to be comforted and reassured.
That is when my mind cleared.
With this clarity I’ve realised why I was feeling so disconnected – why I have been so unhappy and why I have been thinking that my life is worthless. I was expecting too much. Before I went on the trip with Conservation Volunteers I knew that when I got back it would be close to the time when our baby would have been turning four, but I had the expectation that because I would have been on the trip with Conservation Volunteers I wouldn’t feel the sorrow and anger like I had in past years. I figured that because I had built a life where I felt valued and content I would not feel sad this year. I would feel nostalgic, but content with my life as it is.
When I got home from the trip I was stunned when strong feelings of anger and sadness started showing themselves, and I tried to fight them off by pretending everything was okay and that I was happy, happy, happy. As I’ve already said – fighting these kinds of feelings doesn’t work, at least not for me. It only makes them stronger and leads to them being so huge that I have no idea what to do with them.
I’ve recently been reading about Yoga (as a spiritual practice), Buddhism and Hinduism. I’ve started meditating and at first I struggled with it as every time I meditated my mind threw thoughts and emotions up left, right and centre. I thought that was wrong and that in order to achieve peace I should either be completely calm and centred, or at least have an empty mind. I expected that my trip with Conservation Volunteers would contribute to my ability to meditate and be at peace.
It didn’t and I’ve started to think that my understanding of peace and being centred has been misconstrued.
I’m going to leave it here for this entry as I realise I’ve written quite a lot already (and I want you all to memorise it word for word! Just kidding…) Next time I will talk more about my understanding of emotions, peace, being centred and all that jazz and how it relates to thinking about our baby turning four.