We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Tuesday, August 27, 2013

This is MY life...

One of the hardest things about not having kids is sharing your plans and dreams with those who do have kids. We’ve had to rethink our lives and create new dreams that don’t include having our own children. Our dreams include travel, me being a writer, Kirby developing computer games, doing volunteer work and pursuing other adventures. Many of these ambitions would be very difficult, if not impossible, if we had children.

A year or two ago we were out to dinner with a few friends (all who have children) and the conversation was mainly about children. Kirby and I had recently decided that we would like to go to Alaska to see the glaciers. I was very excited and wanted to share this with my friends and did so. It is a long term dream, but one we are steadily working towards. The response from the group was to say how they couldn’t do that because they had kids, and then the conversation turned straight back to being about their children.

I love hearing about the children our friends and family have, but it is not our life. The life Kirby and I have is different to what we thought it was going to be and we have worked hard through our grief at not having children and have worked hard to develop lives that have meaning, goals and happiness.

I want to share our anticipation about our plans with our friends and family, but sometimes it feels as though because we don’t have children our news and our plans are not interesting enough. Sometimes I want to share what’s going on in my life – and sometimes listening ears are not there, or they are there only for people who have similar lives to them  – in that they have children.

Don’t get me wrong – most of our family and friends are very keen to hear about our plans and excitement at those plans and we are very, very lucky.

Perhaps I’m just in a down mood today – you know – when you see the negative rather than the positive.

One of our babies would have been five in a few weeks. I can’t talk about him or her and their first day at school and their attempts at calisthenics or swimming or whatever else they would have been interested in. I can talk about all the children in our lives who I love so much. But, sometimes I feel very lonely in this life – so very different to most of those around us.

Next time I will be more positive – I promise…


Milly said...

I completely agree. I love my friends. I love their kids. I love that some of them have even asked us to be god parents. We have wonderful relationships with these children who treat us as family.
However, it's difficult to have a conversation these days, let alone sit down and eat a meal. I understand that it must be tough having to juggle multiple children, or even just one crying baby.
But I still feel the same way as you. And everyone's just waiting for us to have our own baby which, even if that does happen one day, will not be genetically mine. And somehow no one seems to understand how that makes me feel. It's like I'm not a real woman, I can't do what women are supposed to do. Kind of like a racing car that can only be driven in town, town not on the highway.
So yes, maybe you are having a down day, but you should know that there are people like me out there who know those down days.
Again, thanks for sharing :)

Kate Bettison said...

Hi Milly - thanks for leaving your comment. I certainly know how it feels regarding not being a real woman...I went through that for quite a while, but eventually I realised that being a woman isn't just about having children - there are many, many ways to be a woman.

Thank you for letting me know that you are out there - it really does help to know there are people who know what it feels like.