We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Wednesday, June 1, 2016

Like mud...

The Australian show “Four Corners” covered IVF this week – I’ve yet to watch it as I want to sit down properly and be able to focus on it. But, the following quote was in the synopsis on the Four Corners’ website.

"Embryos are like mud. You keep putting embryos on the wall of the uterus, eventually one will stick." Fertility Doctor

Yeah – you read right. Apparently our precious little embryos were like mud.

Okay – so I know what this doctor was getting at – they put an embryo in and they hope it will stay. But the analogy shows a lack of understanding and compassion as to what we go through. My embryos were real children to me and still are – they weren’t mud.

I actually felt shocked by this comment and began to feel upset as though this doctor was personally attacking my children (our embryos). I wanted to find out which doctor said this and call them and blast them into realising that they were stupid and uncaring and just plain wrong.

But, instead I tried practicing something I learnt recently – I took a few minutes to determine if there was a judgement that I was making that was leading me to be excessively angry. There was – I made the judgement that nobody should ever make comments like this.

The reality is that there will always be comments such as this. I can’t change that.

I also made the judgement that I needed to do something directly about this comment and make that doctor feel as bad as possible. But I don’t.

These realisations took a bit of the heat out of my anger.

Then I was able to think more clearly about if and what I could do about it.

And now I’m writing this entry to say to anyone who reads it – please consider what you say about IVF, our babies, and us, because words can hurt.

That’s all I need to do for now.


Mali said...

Oh dear. I suspect the Fertility Doctor was trying to find a simple explanation for the process of embryos and implantation, so I can appreciate his (it must have been a man, surely?) analogy. But what an insensitive one to choose. Sigh.

Kate Bettison said...

I think so too, but quite insensitive! It might have been a man, but I can assure you I've met some quite insensitive women in the IVF industry too... e.g. after being told I could have water, but no food, for 12 hours before egg collection the female nurse at my admission got really angry that I'd had a little water overnight. "You shouldn't have done that! Now we might have to cancel the surgery!"...Nice! Made me feel very relaxed!!

Familyofthree said...

I think as infertility patients we ARE over sensitive. To us the 4 embryos we manage to make to a 5 day transfer are our world-to the doctor they are just 4 more embryos and we are just one more patient. When I had my miscarriage I had a nurse, the wife of my ob/gyn, tell me "this is why we don't get excited when a patient gets pregnant" Mind you, her husband not only was an OB/GYN but an infertility specialist as well who did "one stop shopping" At the time I was super pissed, but now, 8 years later I understand. To me, Aaron was going to be our world, to her, I was just another patient to whom she had to deliver bad news to...

Kate Bettison said...

You're right - I guess they do see them as embryos and we are just patients. I guess we need to understand from their perspective as well...