I knew it had been a
while since I’d written an entry here, but I didn’t realise that it has been
quite so long!
The last month and a
half have been busy with a family wedding and work and so on. I’ve also been
unwell. The pain in my side has become worse and I will be going back in for
surgery in mid-June to see if that can be resolved. More of my beautiful fish
died – it seems there has been a spike in pH in the pond which is now fixed. I’ve
been sleeping a lot and have kind of been a bit of a hermit regarding my
writing and this blog.
I’ve had a few things
to sort out in my mind before I felt ready to write again.
In regards to my last
entry, one of my readers asked about endometriosis and what the symptoms are.
There are many symptoms, and one of the best places I’ve found to read about
them is on the Jean Hailes website, and the video Understanding endometriosis
is really informative and I’ve shared that with my family to help them
understand what endometriosis is all about (it's the third resource from the bottom of the page).
Last weekend there was
an article written by (yet another) a woman who had gone through IVF and talks
about how difficult infertility is, has ended up having a child, and is telling
the rest of us not to give up because “you know, miracles DO happen. I have one
sleeping upstairs right now.”
I still find articles
such as this frustrating. Really – who is this woman to tell us that miracles
happen? How often, really, do miracles happen?
Well – at least this
woman is trying to be positive and encouraging. On the flip side of the coin,
some of the comments on the article were just down right cruel toward people
who are struggling to have children. It’s fine to have a difference of opinion,
but why be nasty about it?
One woman suggests that
our wanting children is the same as wanting any “commodity” and that we have some
kind of sense of entitlement to children, and from her “Buddhist” perspective desiring
to have our own children is an EGO-TRIP and will only end up with our
suffering. Many people pointed out to her that compassion is one of the key
principles of Buddhism, but she didn’t seem to get that point. I had an
interesting debate with her, but eventually gave up – there’s no point trying
to talk with someone who just wants to be right.
Oh – and she also
claims to have infertility envy. Yeah – you read right.
To be honest – just
thinking about what she, and some others, wrote brings up the angry wild beast
in me. I won’t share with you the names I want to call her that are rolling
around in my head – but I’m sure you can imagine what they might be. I’ll just
say that she’s a great big meanie-head.
Why am I sharing this?
Because there are going to be times when people are going to say cruel things
to us – we who want children so much but can’t have them. It’s like we deserve
the judgement and criticism for wanting children more than people who don’t
particularly care about kids, have them anyway, and then treat them like dirt.
It’s getting easier
with time to let these remarks and comments go without latching onto them, but given
what I’ve recently been going through the comments by this woman really stung.
I felt fragile and anxious and stuck.
Ironically, it was
thinking about this woman’s version of Buddhism that got me back
to feeling settled again.
For some reason I
wanted her to be compassionate to me, but she wasn’t being compassionate. I
made it my mission to get her to understand my perspective, but she wouldn’t.
There came a point where I could either go crazy trying to change the way
things were or I could let it all go. So, I let the anger go and watched it float
on by – and I still am letting it go and float on by whenever the anger about
what she said arises in my mind.
I like to think of
Buddhism in terms of a river. Your self
is sitting on the bank of a beautiful clear river and all different leaves
float by from all different types of trees. You try to control them by creating
a dam, but that just stops the flow of the river and all the leaves come
together and form an indistinct sludge. You try to capture the leaves using a
scoop, but that just stirs up the river and the clear water becomes so murky
that you can no longer see the bottom. You try to push all the leaves away from
you with your hand, but they just stick to you instead. Eventually you learn
that all you need to do is watch the leaves float by.
All of the leaves represent
different emotions – anger, sadness, happiness, love, guilt, joy, satisfaction.
None of them are seen as “better” or more “worthy” than others and none are
meant to be latched onto or pushed away. They are what they are – you see them,
you feel them, you appreciate them for what they are, you may even act on them,
and then you let them go.
This is what I try to
do with my emotions – but it’s not always easy because I’m human!
The anger comes
around, I see it, I feel it, I act on it if I am able and it would be healthy
to do so, and then I let it go.
I’m going to leave it
there, except to suggest that, if you are interested in a book that I have
learnt a lot from, have a look at “The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t
Stand Positive Thinking” by Oliver Burkeman.
I just realised that I
mentioned this book in April last year – so you can be assured it’s a favourite
of mine!
