We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Special Moments

The older I get the more I realise that childhood is very, very short. In the last month the daughter of one of my friends turned eight, the daughter of another friend turned ten, and my niece will turn twelve at the end of the year. Even our little nephew will be three two days’ time.

As the children in our lives grow up I often think about the things I wanted to share with our children – the things I wanted to show them. I wanted to go to the zoo with them, to go to concerts and the theatre, and I wanted to share with them my love of old movies – particularly “Singing in the Rain”.

On the weekend I got to see what sharing special things with our own children might have been like. I remember the first time I saw Amelia. She was only a few days old and I fell in love. Already it was easy to see that her hair would be auburn. She had lovely chubby cheeks that I just wanted to cover with smooches.

Over the past ten years I have watched her grow from a baby, to a toddler, to a young child, and now to the beginnings of a young lady. She is intelligent, funny, kind, and I adore her. I don’t want it to go too fast, but I am going to love watching her grow into a woman and become the amazing adult I know she will be.

For her tenth birthday I decided to throw her a high tea – just for her Mum, Amelia and me. We had a little cupcakes and cucumber and cheese sandwiches. And, I put on the DVD of “Singing in the Rain”. It was so lovely. Amelia loved the dancing and singing.

Just before Amelia and her Mum were going to go home I gave Amelia her present, which was a copy of the DVD. Her face lit up and her first question was “How did you do that?” I told her that I had a copy of the movie and I wanted her to have one too.

This was a very special day. I got to share something I loved with one of the beautiful children in my life – something I had hoped to share with our children. No – it’s not the same as if we had our own, but it’s pretty awesome nonetheless. I love the children in our lives and I hope they always know how special they are to me.


BH said...

I am glad to have found your blog and am comforted by your journey and the love you are sharing with the children in your life. My husband and I just found out my FSH is high and we won't be progressing to IVF unless it is with a donor egg. I am devastated even though a part of me knew this was a possibility. I've been reading other women's stories and all the essays and blogs out there are from women at the end of the fertility journey but they all have children. While we process what to do next I wanted an example of someone living their life fully who came to the end of their journey without their hoped for pot of gold.

Thank you for sharing your pain, your joy, and the full life you are living. Thank you.

Kate Bettison said...

Hi BH - I'm so sorry I haven't responded to your comment before now. Blogger have made some changes and some of my settings went a bit strange, including comment notifications!

I am so touched to read your comments - it means the world to me to know that what I write matters to you. When we first began to realise that we might not be having children I wanted to read something from women or couples who were in, or had been in, the same situation - who had found a way to live a fulfilling life despite their loss. I couldn't find anything, and so I started this blog about a year later.

Your beautiful words make me know that my blog is doing what I hoped it would - letting people know they are not alone and that life can be wonderful, even if not in the way we thought it would be.

Thank you BH - your words are precious.