We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Monday, September 16, 2013

First day at school…

This is how I always pictured it would go…

The first day of school is coming up fast and we are all nervous – Kirby, me, and our little boy, Jacob (I never pictured myself having girls…). We go to the school a few weeks before term starts to meet the teachers, share our nerves with other parents, and let Jacob play with his new classmates.

We listen to everything we would need to do to get Jacob ready for his big day – what he would need for his uniform, what books and stationery he would need, and what school hours would be. It is a lot to take in, but the school has given us a list with a welcome letter, so we will remember everything.

I like Jacob’s teacher.  She kind of looks like my first teacher at school, Miss Jorgensen, and I absolutely adored her.

The information session ends and we convince Jacob to come home with us, even though he would much rather stay and play with his new friends.

A few weeks pass and school is only a few days away. I bought book recently about children going to school and we read this to Jacob every night at bedtime for at least a week. He thinks school looks like fun and can’t wait to go. I, on the other hand, think the years since his birth have gone far too quickly and I would like just another few years with my “baby”.

The night before school, Jacob and I set out his clothes and make sure everything he is supposed to have is packed into his school bag. I can’t get him to stop talking about the next day – I think he would even be able to talk about school underwater. He reminds me on a few occasions that he is a big boy now – especially when I try to help him with his pyjamas. He can do the buttons on his own, thank you very much.

Jacob is up the next morning before the birds have even opened their eyes. He wakes us by jumping up and down on our bed. I could use more sleep, but really I’m happy that Jacob is looking forward to school so much.

We organise breakfast – a bit of a special breakfast with crumpets for Jacob’s first day at school. Kirby and I get dressed and then oversee Jacob putting on his shirt, shorts, socks, and, almost, his shoes. He needs a little help tying the laces, but he is getting there.

The school is only just down the road and we walk there in the sunshine, meeting other kids and their parents on the way. Jacob recognises one of the other boys – Fahad – that he met at the introduction session at the school. They became instant friends at the session, as only children seem capable of, and I could see them being friends for a very long time. Especially given their favourite football teams are the same – Port Adelaide!

Fahad’s parents walk with us into the school grounds and we walk toward the classroom. The teacher is ready to welcome the children and Jacob and Fahad are so enthralled with each other and the classroom that they only give us parents a brief backwards wave as they head in the door.

It’s then that the tears well up a little – my baby is a school kid now. Fahad’s Mum is crying a bit too, and I find a tissue in my bag to give to her. She smiles – and we share that moment in every mother’s (and father’s) life when our babies move into a wider world.

I’m glad Kirby was able to take the day off – I think I will need some TLC (tender loving care) today.


I know that the first day of school doesn’t normally go so well as this, but I figure if my son is never going to have one in reality – then the one I dream up for him is going to be close to perfect.

Our baby – this little one in the photo – would have been five years old this week.

I love you, my baby – my angel

No comments: