We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Monday, January 20, 2014

My big adventure...

In June last year I finally got up the courage to go into a travel agent and book flights for a trip to Thailand in 2014.

At the time it seemed like the trip was so far away, but here I am counting down the days until I catch that plane. I’m nervous, but so excited. It will be my first international trip by myself.

In my twenties I longed to do some travelling on my own, but I was quite ill with a number of conditions throughout that decade of my life and was never able to follow that particular dream. I had kind of put it out of my mind until the last few years. I will be forty in June this year and I started to think of the things I wish I’d done in my youth and I started to question whether it was really too late for me to do at least some of them now. It isn’t. This trip is like a present from my twenty-something year old self, who couldn’t follow a dream, to my almost forty-year old self, who can.

I’m going to northern Thailand to stay at an elephant sanctuary “Boon Lott’s Elephant Sanctuary” for six nights. I will get to spend time helping out with the elephants, washing them, getting their food ready, and giving them all the love and attention I can. I will also be helping with the other rescued animals at the sanctuary – dogs, cats, birds, and even a Brahman cow. I can’t wait to get to spend time with all these animals and with the family who run the sanctuary – including three little kids…yay!

After the sanctuary, I will be staying at Sukhothai for three nights and visiting an ancient city (built around the mid-13th century) and then I will be going to Chiang Mai for five nights – which will include a tour to a national park, a visit to an orphanage to play with the children there, and a visit to one of the Karen hill tribes. Overall I will be away for fifteen days. Kirby is staying at home to look after the fur-kids, so I am going all on my own.

It is interesting for me to reflect on the likelihood that I would not be doing this trip if we had children, because I would have wanted to spend my holidays with my family. Sometimes when I think about this I like the idea that I am free to do this trip, and then I feel guilty.

Should I feel guilty? I would have loved our children, but we don’t have them, and instead I am doing things that I want to do, creating a different life. Should I feel guilty for enjoying this life and feeling blessed by the opportunities I have? I don’t think, but that niggling little guilt fairy likes to try and convince me I should, and sometimes I believe them too.

But, as the trip to Thailand gets closer, the level of excitement is certainly drowning out any guilt I might feel. I can’t wait!! So, guilt fairy, take a hike!

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