We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Sunday, February 28, 2016


He’s going to say I have nothing to feel guilty about – but I have been feeling guilty lately.

I’ve been feeling guilty since the surgery and when I found out about the endometriosis.

So, it’s true that I may not have had endo back in 2009/2010 when we were doing IVF, and it’s true that even if I did and it was treated it may not have made any difference to me getting pregnant. It is, however, the closest thing to an explanation as to why we couldn’t get pregnant that we have ever had. All we ever got from the IVF clinic was “unexplained fertility”, which left us wondering if the issue was with me, with Kirby, or with both.

It’s not that either of us would have blamed each other – there is no blame.

Well – I know that I wouldn’t have blamed Kirby, and I know that he wouldn’t have blamed me. So, feeling like I do at the moment doesn’t really make sense – but then how often do feelings and thoughts really make sense?

I feel guilty that it seems I was the one who couldn’t bring a baby into our lives and who couldn’t make Kirby a father. He deserves to be a Dad. He should have had a son or daughter to raise and nurture and discipline and be annoyed at some times and love and have fun times with and create memories with. And I couldn’t give him that.

I keep thinking that I should have known endo was a possibility, and that I should have pushed for more tests and investigations. But, how could I know that endo was a possibility if I didn’t even know what endo was?

I asked Kirby the other night if he would still have married me if he knew that I couldn’t have children. I regretted asking the question as soon as I did. I know the answer – he would have. Asking him that question was unkind.

But I keep ruminating about the unfairness that my inept body cannot give him a child. I guess I’m just going to have to sit with that for a while until it passes by. And I hope it does soon.


Mali said...

I think these thoughts are normal. Most of us probably ask the questions earlier on, when we get a clear diagnosis, but still, whenever we ask the question, it's painful. So I'm thinking of you.

I guess I have two comments. The first is that it is possible to let go of the guilt. It takes time, and acceptance, but is great when it happens. To me, the purpose of guilt is to teach us not to do something again, or to make amends. Guilt come when we've done something wrong. Well, you've done nothing wrong. As you say, there's no blame. The fact that you see this means that you'll find that acceptance ... sooner rather than later, I think.

I wrote this about guilt last year -

Kate Bettison said...

Thanks Mali - I like your comment about guilt being about when we've done something wrong. You're right - I've done nothing wrong. I just read your blog post and it really spoke to me about guilt and what it truly means - so thank you for sharing that. Today I actually feel really good - I allowed myself to go back to bed and cry for exactly two hours and then got up and felt so much better. Perhaps those guilt feelings will come again - but I feel that I have the tools to deal with them when they do. xx