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We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Thursday, February 4, 2016

It's how I feel...

It’s been just over a week since my day surgery. It went well – except that I ended up staying in hospital overnight as the surgeon had to do a bit more to me than originally anticipated.

It turns out I have endometriosis, so the surgeon cleared that up, my blood pressure dropped, I was in more pain than I certainly anticipated, and I was admitted. Fortunately I only stayed one night and was able to come home. I am so thankful for Ashford Hospital here in South Australia – the best medical care I could have hoped for.

For the first few days I was limited as to what I could do – in other words it was bed or the couch. And the worst was not being able to have my cats on my lap and not being able to pat my dogs or play with them. I’m feeling much better now and slowly being able to do more and more.

At least I’m feeling better physically.

Mentally?

Spiritually?

I’m struggling big time. It changes from day to day – Wednesday was a not so good day, yesterday was a good day, today is a bad day.

It’s not the fact that I’ve had an operation that has forever taken the choice of trying for a baby again away from me (which is something I have accepted). The reason I am struggling is that I have endometriosis and despite going through IVF and seeing a gynaecologist back around that time with symptoms associated with endometriosis (like infertility – duh!) nobody even bothered to investigate it as a possibility.

If they had – if they only had – it might have been addressed and we might have our child here with us right now. I am really struggling to come to terms with this.

I know that there is a possibility that I still wouldn’t have become pregnant, but the fact that further investigation was not done at the time is just beyond my comprehension. Why didn’t they check? I had the fatigue, I had the pain in my abdomen and lower back, I had the painful period cramp, I had had miscarriages, and I damn well couldn’t have a baby. What went wrong? You know I even recall them saying that I didn’t have it as they couldn’t see it on any scans – well guess what – the only way to truly know if someone has it is to do a laparoscopy (like I had last Thursday).

I am so furious. I have tried not to be angry and to “let it go” knowing nothing will change, but that isn’t working so much and I feel like I am being eaten up inside.  Instead I am going to let the anger and grief and whatever other emotions occur have their space, and deal with them instead of trying to bottle them up. I will cry, rage, talk, meditate, just “be” out in nature, play with my dogs, hug my nephew, throw tantrums, consider how blessed I am, tell Kirby I love him, and swear my head off.

But I’m not going to pretend I’m fine.

That would be a lie – because I’m not.

One thing that I know will help me now is to say this to you who are having trouble having a baby – if you even remotely suspect that you have endometriosis, stand up for yourself and demand that it be investigated. And don’t let them put you off by saying your scans don’t show any signs of it – insist on a laparoscopy.

And please, please, please – if you do go through the tests and find you do have endometriosis, and it is treated, and you end up with that miracle in your arms – please let me know. It would help to mend my heart to know that something good might come from sharing my experience with you. And photos too please! Lots of photos!

My love, as always, to all my readers, and thank you for your endless support.

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

I love reading your blog. Like you I suffer from endometriosis, which was diagnosed 9 years ago, when I was 29 years old. Luckily before the diagnosis I never felt any pain, nor did I suffer from heavy periods. It was just a normal scan which showed a 6cm endometrial cyst. I was treated by having 2 laparoscopies and a laporotomy to remove what was possible of the endometriosis, but unfortunately it still grew back. Five years after my last surgery and after 5 ivf cycles I'm still without my baby. So unfortunately, in my case, treatment before starting to conceive didn't actually help! May you feel better and wishing you lots of happiness. Take care! Xxx

Kate Bettison said...

Thank you so much for your comment. I actually didn't really know that endometriosis could grow back...Or maybe I did, but it slipped my mind - I'm not sure.

I'm so sorry to hear what has happened to you, and I hope that there is still a chance you will have your baby. And thank you for your best wishes. xx

Caroline Stafford said...

Hi Kate, thankyou so much for sharing your stories with us, your writing is beautiful and your blog so honest and from the heart, it's comforting to read and know I'm not alone. I've had 'unexplained infertility' for 5 years now and have pushed for a laparoscopy for nearly that long but because I don't have any of the symptoms (apart from the obvious one of not being able to get pregnant) my gynaecologist and IVF doctors have not been very forthcoming in investigating and performing a laparoscopy. Eventually I went back to my doctor at the end of last year and lied. I read up on textbook endo symptoms and said I had them all and i needed a laparoscopy. I was referred for one. I had the operation two weeks ago and guess what, I have stage three/four endometriosis - I have no idea until I have a follow up consultation Id it's treatable, if our dream of having a baby is still a possibility or if this means we have to come to terms with not having children. Like you in your letter to the fertility clinic I am so angry and sad and frustrated that in five years no-one investigated this. For five years the doctors and clinics were happy to take our money and break our hearts over and over again. And I'm angry that I have had to lie to get to this point and to find an answer.
So I can't offer any words of encouragement to you I'm afraid, but I can in some small way, understand a little of how your feeling xx

Kate Bettison said...

Hi Caroline - I'm so sorry to hear the struggles you've had to get a laparoscopy. It doesn't make sense that they wouldn't have sent you for one given the infertility, as with me too. I really hope that treating your endometriosis means you can have a baby - that would be amazing and I would want to see photos if you want to share them! xx