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| Frankie's response to my dancing... |
I’ve been busy this
past week, and I’ve actually enjoyed myself quite a lot – even though most of
what I’ve been doing has been housework! It’s amazing what a good music soundtrack
can do to make housework more tolerable! Although when I’m dancing around the
kitchen with a broom my cat, Frankie, tends to hiss at me – I guess she’s not a
fan of my moves…
Kirby and I went to
the Adelaide Clipsal V8 Supercars on Saturday and that was awesome. We watched
the race and wandered around looking at all the displays of old cars, and new
cars (the type that we would never be able to afford!), and taking in the
atmosphere. It was very hot! 38 degrees Celsius (around 37 degrees Celsius
equals 100 degrees Fahrenheit). But it was great.
So things are going
well, except I have a sense of feeling stuck in some areas of my life –
particularly in regards to my writing. I want to write, I know what I want to
write, but somehow, when I think about it, my anxiety rises. It’s almost like I
don’t deserve it…or maybe I’m worried that I will fail at it…I’m not sure.
I’m having a lot of
dreams about babies and the other day I said to Kirby that the baby I lost in
1998 (six years before I met Kirby) would have been eighteen this year. I
actually said “Hayley would have been eighteen this year.” I’d never called
that baby anything…so I don’t know why I’ve called her Hayley now. It was a
very early miscarriage and it wasn’t confirmed at all, so there is a chance
there was never any baby, but I do believe I was pregnant as my period was
three weeks late and was very heavy when it came, and normally, at that time,
my cycle was like clockwork.
I’ve still been crying
and feeling upset about the whole endometriosis thing and finding myself
thinking about that a lot. That’s happening less and less though.
I’m doing okay with
the regular, every day things, but I feel as though there is a block which I am
stuck behind that is stopping me from getting on with the other things – the things
that make me who I really am.
So, I’m going to go
see a counsellor.
I’ve gone from being
so confused and sad that I know I need to see one, to feeling really good and
thinking I don’t really need to see one. To be honest, I’d rather not go. I
want to be able to work through all this on my own with the support of my
family and friends. But, I can’t.
My family and f
riends are
there without a doubt and they can talk to me, support me, and provide endless
hugs, but I need to talk to someone who is independent, can assist me in
viewing things differently, and can guide me toward regaining my motivation (or
perhaps it’s more to do with overcoming anxiety or feeling I deserve to follow
some of my dreams regardless of whether I succeed or not).
It’ll be interesting.
I’ve seen one counsellor before, but I’m not certain if I should see her again,
or whether it would be useful to see someone different for a different
perspective. I’ve got three days to think about it!
It will be an
interesting journey I’m sure.
2 comments:
Good luck!
I had to laugh a little at this, in self-recognition. "I’ve gone from being so confused and sad that I know I need to see one, to feeling really good and thinking I don’t really need to see one."
That was how I spent the two-four years after my losses and learning I would never have children. I'd feel sad and think that I needed some help to "snap out of it." Then I'd feel good and think I was finally getting through the grief. In hindsight, I think talking to someone professional might have helped. Though I made it through alone, it would have been nice to know that what I was going through was normal.
That's how I see it too - to just know I'm normal and to get some strategies for getting out of this funk!! The last few days I've been heading back to bed for a few hours (because I don't feel well, tired, whatever) but I really do think the real reason is I'm anxious and it's easier not to face that by hiding in bed - but then I feel terrible about and swear I'm not going to do it again tomorrow...until tomorrow comes!!
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