We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013


About a year and a half ago Kirby and I decided it was time to do something with the big front room of our house that we had intended for our children. We needed to let go some more. We needed to be able to walk through our house without constantly picturing our kids playing and sleeping safely in their beds in that room.

We ended up dividing the room into two, with one part being a dining room and the other a small study for me. It was rather exciting as we didn’t really have a dining room and now we could have friends and family over for meals more often. We painted a feature wall in an almost apple shade of green and put a lovely picture of trees in the centre of it.

The room looked good. We used it. We didn’t forget that we had intended it to be our children’s room, but it made it easier to see it being used differently.

Then we moved house.

We moved mainly to be closer to our nephew, but also because our old house was eighty years old and needed a lot of maintenance. We bought our lovely new home further out of the city near some beautiful wetlands. It was literally love at first sight when we found it.

As we anticipated moving into our home we though about the different things we could do with it, how it would be our home as a couple…

We were very, very excited.

The six month anniversary of our move has come and gone and to be honest the house is pretty much the same as when we moved in. It is our home, but it is not really reflective of who we are as individuals and as a couple.

Recently I thought that perhaps we needed to live in the house for a while before we could decide what we really wanted to do with the rooms, the colours, the textiles… I figured if we gave it time we would see what we wanted to do.

It’s only really been in the last few weeks that I’ve truly realised why we haven’t made any changes yet. Kirby and I still have work to do as a couple. I mean, we always will have work to do for the rest of our lives, but we have work to do in terms of clarifying what works for each of us (colour, sound, light, smell), sharing those ideas with each other and creating common goals that we can work towards. We need to create a vision together – that doesn’t include anyone else, and doesn’t include children.

I’ve been busy in my little mind creating the house of my dreams, but what I like and what I want may not be what Kirby likes and wants. After eight years together and almost seven years of marriage you would think we would have our likes and dislikes permanently imprinted on each other’s brains, but not so!

This weekend Kirby and I will be sitting down together to have a bit of a brain storming session. I’m looking forward to it, but I think Kirby is looking toward it with some trepidation! I have promised that I won’t be stubborn in my ideas – well, not much…

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