Kirby and I have known for about three years that we can’t have children, and mostly we are okay with it.
Then there are days when it slams into us (me today!) with such a force I want to run and hide.
Today I had to go to a gynaecologist for a little problem (no need to go into details!!). What I didn’t really pick up on was that the gynaecologist was also an obstetrician. I arrived at the clinic and headed to the waiting room which was just around the corner from the reception desk.
There I was confronted with the sight of five obviously pregnant women. Normally I am okay with this kind of thing, but today it struck me hard. I wanted to be one of them – I wanted to be sitting in the waiting room ready to see my doctor to talk about the next stages of the journey toward meeting our baby.
I honestly felt like crying and I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t – after all I’d waited two months for this appointment…
I don’t belong to any particular religion, but I do believe in a higher power, and just lately I’ve been meditating and praying and asking for a bit of help and guidance when I need it instead of thinking I have to do it all on my own. I asked for help as I was sitting in the waiting room, and soon I could feel my heart gently taking the lead over my head (my head being the naughty negative self).
When I meditate I have a mantra I use, which is “I am all, all is me”. This helps me to realise that I am a part of everything and everything is a part of me. In the waiting room I suddenly felt as though I was a part of all of these women and the amazing transformations that were happening within them and the children that would soon be in their lives. I will never experience that directly for myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love the fact that it is happening for them.
After having this realisation I remembered my plans for next year. Next year I am going to Thailand to work at an elephant sanctuary (Boon Lott’s Elephant Sanctuary in Sukhothai – check it out – http://blesele.org/ the work they do is amazing!) instead of having a 40th birthday bash.
I can do this so much more easily than many other women because I don’t have children of my own. I can take off on an adventure whenever I feel like it. And I intend to. After Thailand I hope to do a trek through Nepal and Tibet, walk the Cradle Mountains in Tasmania (Australia), a meditation retreat somewhere and I plan on having many, many other adventures.
This is my life now. And all of those women are a part of that too.