This morning my
emotions feel like they are debris on the ocean. I am in a secluded bay and I
don’t know what is going to roll in with the waves. I feel okay, I feel angry,
I feel upset, I feel pathetic, I feel okay again, I feel ashamed – and then another emotion
floats in with the waves.
I wasn’t planning to
write about what I will write about this week, because I didn’t know about it
until this morning. I had no idea. Well, that’s not true – I must have known at
some stage, but somehow it slipped away and I lost it. And now I’m wondering what
kind of mother I really would have been.
Last week I found my journal
that I began when we first started IVF. I read the words of the first entry and
I wished I could go back and give that naïve girl who thought everything was
going to work out a hug of strength for the years to come.
I read a few of the
other entries and then I looked at the dates. The first entry was dated the 10th
July 2008 – the beginning of our first cycle of IVF, which ended up being
cancelled.
July, 2008 – so what?
Well, our next round of IVF, where an embryo was created didn’t stay, was in
January 2009. This was the baby that I wrote about a few entries ago – the baby
that would have been five this year. Except they wouldn’t have been five this
year. They would have only been four this year – they wouldn’t have been going
to school yet. I’ve completely screwed up the dates and the ages my children
would have been.
What kind of mother
does that? I can’t have children and I can’t even get the dates of what would
have been their births right. I feel sick to the stomach when I think about it.
I feel so angry at myself.
I don’t even know what
to write in here right now. Except to say to my children – I am so, so very
sorry.
3 comments:
Hey! Don't be so harsh on yourself.
You know, I think this shows you would have been a great mum.
My theory is this: mums beat themselves up way too much, way too often. And for things that they can't control anyway.
It sounds to me like you're beating yourself up here, right? Just like a real, caring mum.
The thing is, if you had given birth, you would remember the date. You wouldn't be calculating it from charts. You worked out the date by doing maths, not by experience.
So many people make mistakes when doing maths. Making these mistakes does NOT make you a bad mother.
If you ask me, I think your pain and anger are coming from somewhere else, a much deeper place. And they are legitimate feelings, you've been through a lot.
Please don't feel ashamed. Really, you shouldn't. You're a strong person, who has made the decision to stop trying. That was a very hard decision to make. And a very brave one. Just remember, you're allowed to change your mind if you want to. And if you'd rather not, that's your call. You have to feel comfortable with your decision.
I don't know you, but I care that you feel ashamed. Your blog posts have helped me and many other women. You reached out to us, so I hope my reaching out can help you banish the shame.
blog hugs :)
Milly
Give yourself a break O:)
Thanks Robin and Milly - I really appreciate both of your comments. It means a lot to know there are people out there that care. I no longer feel so down on myself...and you're right Milly...Mother's guilt, even if I don't have children!! :-)
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