We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Wednesday, September 6, 2017

The fog hasn't lifted...

Lately I feel like I’ve been wearing a mask…I put on the happy and confident face when I’m out in public. Sometimes I am actually happy and confident – so I fit the mask – but mostly I’m not.


In the past few months some events have occurred and some issues have arisen that have floored me in terms of my self esteem and self worth. I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me especially, because this is just the way it is at the moment, and I will get through it, and many people have far worse things to deal with than I do.

I am going to share what’s going on though – because I want you to know that times like this happen to me and to everyone, and it sucks, but it is also a part of life.

So, here’s what’s going on:

A few months ago Kirby and I had a major falling out with one of our dearest friends. It was a complete communication break down and it has ended up with us not knowing if the friendship can be saved. I hope that it can be, but I’m not sure it will be. It hasn’t only been the loss of the friend, but also of her family. She has a husband who had also become one of our dearest friends, and she has two little girls who we had become very close to.

It’s thrown me in a way that I didn’t know I could be thrown. I feel lost, anxious, confused, hurt, sad, and wondering just who the hell I am and what my worth is. My motivation has dissipated – leaving me with little energy (mental or physical) to follow up on the things that are important to me. Even reading has become too much. And, as you know, writing this blog just hasn’t happened for a while.

This is not our friend’s fault – she cannot be blamed for the way I am at all. This is just the way my mind and body is responding at the moment.

In addition to this, my endometriosis has come back with all the associated pain and discomfort.

And I also have fibromyalgia. My fibro has me feeling like a complete failure. I am sore in all my joints, I can’t sleep because of the pain, and when I do get to sleep I sleep too much (like the other day I was up for a whole seven hours!), and the sleep is not refreshing. Apparently people with fibro don’t get quality sleep because their brains are wired to be on constant alert – so I can get nine hours of sleep but it won’t be quality sleep. My brain gets all foggy and I start struggling to finish sentences when speaking, or I mix up words, or forget a word completely – like the other day I was talking about succulents, but I couldn’t remember the word “succulents” – so I said “you know, those plants that take up water and keep it in their leaves”. For someone who loves words as much as I do this is very hard to take. My body (my legs in particular) doesn’t seem to do what I want it to do sometimes – if I want to pick up a pencil I may have to really concentrate on getting my fingers to move in the right way to pick it up.

I’ve tried all sorts of ways to address the symptoms of the fibro, but unfortunately there doesn’t seem to be any agreement on the best method or therapy among different professionals. So, that probably means a journey of trial and error until I find something that works, if I ever do. And to be honest, I feel too tired to bother at the moment. After all:

  • in my childhood it was trying to find a way to stop me wetting the bed
  • in my teens it was trying to find a way to stop having heavy, painful periods
  • in my twenties it was trying to find a way to deal with depression, anxiety, and OCD
  • in my thirties it was trying to find a way to deal with epilepsy, and to overcome infertility
  • and, now, in my forties it’s fibromyalgia…

 I’m tired of having to try and find out how to deal with something every damn decade of my life – at least at the moment I am. I know that my inner strength will come back and I will unleash my inner wolf again…I have to. What’s the alternative? I give up? That’s not me.

Then, I can’t help thinking about what our kids might have been like. Hayley would have been 19 this year, and Jacob and/or Ruby 8 this month. How do I let them go? They are so real to me. How do I get to a point where I no longer think about “what if” they had been born? I guess I won’t…I know this in my heart, but sometimes I just wish I could have an operation or something that would make me forget that I ever wanted children.

I feel like a failure. I wasn’t able to have children, I don’t feel productive due to having depression, anxiety, and fibromyalgia, and I feel like I am letting everyone who cares about me down. I know that the people who care about me don’t see it this way, but I do.

My lack of self-esteem is killing me. I’m not writing, I’m not walking – I’m putting on a good show of being okay, but I don’t feel it.

I’m not depressed – I know that – but the fog is heavy.

I don’t know – maybe I’m depending too much on the fog to lift on its own, but instead I should be walking, in any direction, to see if I can find a way out of it. Maybe it’s a little bit of both – the fog and I both have to do something to get me out of it.

Well – that’s where I’m at at the moment. Hopefully next entry will be a more uplifting one.

Saturday, August 26, 2017

Life and all it brings...

Hi everyone,

These past few months have been a real struggle on many fronts and as such I haven't written a blog entry for quite some time.

I've also failed to respond to some messages sent to me directly via my email - and for this I apologise. I hope I have now responded to everyone, but if you have messaged me and I haven't, please contact me again.

I do care very much for each and everyone of you - we are sisters (and I'm sure some brothers are out there too!) in this reality that we are facing - it's just been a really tough time for me lately and I've had to take some time out from many things.

I'll be writing a  blog entry later this week.

Kate xxx

Sunday, July 2, 2017

The fog...

I’ve been in a bit of a grey place lately.

Things are getting better and there have been some adventures (such as a trip to Thailand) recently, but I still find that the grey is around me.

I think all of us go through this from time to time.

I’ve written the following poem as a way to understand where I am at the moment.

Something is amiss
My world is dimming
For fog has appeared again
Slinking into existence
And wrapping up my spirit
In cold bondage

So, what?

What can I do?

How can I grovel my way clear
When I do not know
Where the fog ends and I begin?
When I do not know
Where clarity lives?

Perhaps that is the point of it
I am not meant to know these things

Instead I must simply give in to it
Let the fog sort me out
With its wisps and subtle movements
With its greyness and its sighs

No need to struggle

Gently soothe the screams in my heart
And distil the cries perched on my lips

Calmly sit within the fog a while
Wait to see what it is
That the fog is gifting me

And see what it is that is left

When the fog has gone again

Saturday, May 13, 2017


This past week has been very traumatic and difficult. Our beautiful 14 year old cat Felix became very ill and he was suffering.

On Friday he passed away by euthanasia with Kirby and me by his side.

We're still in shock.

I'll write more about him in the next couple of entries.

Today is Mother's Day...I miss our boy.

Monday, May 8, 2017

Mother's Day

It’s been a while yet again! I’ve been in a bit of a fog for the past few months, which I’ll write about in the next entry.

On Sunday, in Australia, it will be Mother’s Day. Along with this day will come all the familiar thoughts and emotions that those of us who can’t have children often encounter. The grief and sorrow, and even bitterness sometimes, and the “why not me?” and “what did I do wrong?”.

Last year I met one of my friends, who also can’t have children, for lunch. She said to me that one of the hardest parts for her is the messages that accompany Mother’s Day that suggest children choose their parents. For example, “thank you for choosing me to be your Mum.” It sounds like a lovely sentiment – but there is a definite sting in there for us.

As my friend said, it implies that there are children who looked at us and went “Nup – not good enough – I’ll head over to the drugged up, abusive couple down the road thank you very much.”

Or, perhaps even more difficult to fathom, the children who did come along, but didn’t stay due to miscarriage, picked us but then changed their minds.

This really hurts. It really, really hurts to think about.

Am I saying that people shouldn’t write this type of message on their Facebook walls? By no means. They should if this is what they want to do. All I’m asking is to be aware that friends and/or family members who can’t have children might find it difficult to read these kinds of sayings, and when they do they may feel their hearts break a little for the millionth time.

Be aware and be sensitive, as it’s a hard enough day for us as it is.

Sunday, March 5, 2017


In my entry on the 31stof January I mentioned Hayley, and that I wasn’t quite ready to write about her. In the last week something happened that brought her back into my mind and I want you to know about her now.

What happened last week was in the Adelaide Railway Station. A man was yelling at a woman because she was having difficulty using the ticket machine (which I, myself, have found confusing at times). He called her a “f**king idiot” and “bloody stupid” etc. My rage skyrocketed and I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing and told him not to talk to her like that. He scurried off like the low-life creature he was. Sadly, despite the railway station being reasonably busy, I was the only one that spoke up. What a society we live in!

Well – this incident brought back memories and emotions that I haven’t felt in years.

In 1998 I was in an extremely unhealthy relationship. Many things happened in that relationship that made me feel humiliated and degraded, including being talked to like that man spoke to the woman. It was tough to get my confidence and sense of self back, and it surprised me how easily I slipped back into feeling those old “I’m no good, I really am stupid” thoughts and emotions again. Other things happened in the relationship that I would rather not write about as they are too personal, but I am facing them now and I believe I will become stronger through that.

One of the hardest things in the relationship was when I had a very early miscarriage. I was only about six weeks along and I never had a pregnancy test, but I knew. My period was late (and it never was) and other signs were there. Then she left. I don’t really know if the baby would have been a girl, but I felt like she would have been, and I would have called her Hayley. She would have been nineteen years old next month.

When I told the “man” I was in a relationship with about the miscarriage, his response was along the lines of “well, it’s lucky you lost it.” Even now thinking about those words stings my heart. She would have been his child and he had no love at all for her. Wow!

To cope with this, as I did often then, and still do sometimes now, I wrote a poem for Hayley.


A whisper on the whisper of the breeze
Through my body
Changes as ancient as the sea of time
Announced your presence

Within a heartbeat
I knew you
I loved you
I dreamed forward to the day
That my arms would hold you

I did not know
That you could not stay
That you would slip away
Almost unnoticed

Except that I felt you
Dancing with my body
Taking your part

They say it’s for the best
For the best maybe
But I’ll always wonder

Wonder about you

My baby

Sunday, February 12, 2017

A cute video...

This week’s blog post is a bit of a cheat one, as I won’t be writing much.

There’s a YouTube channel called “Cole and Marmalade” which is well worth a watch for a giggle as well as for really good information on cats and cat rescue. Cole and Marmalade are adorable and their parents are pretty good too!

I saw a video the other day about why cat mums (moms) are awesome (or pawsome!).

It made me smile, and get a bit teary too. It’s how I feel about my two cats, and my dog as well of course! And, okay, my four fish…though it’s a little bit different with them as snuggling with them is not really an option…

For all us fur-mums (and dads), especially those who couldn’t have human kids…

And here’s the link to the “Cole and Marmalade” website…

And here are our fur-babies...

Odi getting yet another toy...

Felix reckons Mum gives the best cuddles...
Frankie hinting that I should be paying her attention...

And our angel fur-babies...

Ari was only a little dog...
Minerva's favourite perch from when she was a kitten..