We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

To Thailand…

I wanted to write something profound about all the emotions and thoughts I felt and had this week since Minerva died, but I am just too tired. The grief over losing Minerva is taking its toll, as grief always does.

Instead – I’m just going to let you know that I won’t be writing any blog entries for the next two and half weeks. I will be leaving for my long awaited trip to Thailand on Sunday!

For those who don’t know what I’m talking about – for my fortieth birthday, instead of having a big party, I am going to Thailand to stay at an elephant sanctuary (Boon Lott’s Elephants Sanctuary) for a week and will then be checking out Sukhothai and Chiang Mai the week after that.

It is going to be quite the adventure and I will have so much to write about and many photos to share when I get back.

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Sweet dreams...

Over the last week Minerva’s health deteriorated rapidly. Her breathing became more labored, she wasn’t eating much at all, and when I picked her up she would be struggling to breathe and seemed to be in pain. I was lost as to what to do and Kirby was away from Monday to Friday. On Friday afternoon I made an appointment with the vet for yesterday (Saturday) morning. I had a fading hope that something more could be done for her, but I knew that this was unlikely.

On Friday night I lay down on the floor beside Minerva’s little bed (she had taken to sleeping in the wardrobe since she became ill) and I patted her and talked to her. I asked her to let me know when she was ready to go.

In the early hours of yesterday Minerva woke me up by pulling at the covers to get in under them with me for a cuddle. She hadn’t done that since she became ill. She curled up next to me, purring, and looking at me with those beautiful green-yellow eyes. Somehow I knew she was telling me she was ready.

Kirby woke me up in the morning and Minerva was under the quilt in between us. We gave her cuddles and told her we loved her for near on twenty minutes. Kirby said that Minerva had eaten some tuna (one of her favorite foods) for breakfast.

When I got up yesterday morning I was amazed to see the sun shining. Friday’s weather was stormy and cold and yesterday was supposed to be the same. I had said to Kirby on Friday that it wasn’t fair that Minerva wouldn’t get to sit in the sun again. But, the storms and clouds held off long enough for Minerva to sit in her favorite chair by the window, taking in the garden and the warmth of the sun, one more time, while we got ready to take her to the vet.

We told the vet, at the clinic, that we thought it was Minerva’s time to go because she was getting worse. He was surprised by what we said – until he examined her. Her lung capacity was 10% and her heart was under so much pressure that she was in pain. I asked if anything more could be done even though I already knew the answer. The vet said that we could double one of her medicines, but that this would affect her kidneys, and the best we could expect was for her to live a few more weeks – if the medicine worked at all.

We knew it was time to let her go. We didn’t want her to suffer anymore and I couldn’t bear the thought of her dying during a seizure, or from a heart attack, and I especially didn’t want her to die alone.

Minerva died in our arms at 10.30 yesterday morning – 15 years, 4 months, and 7 days from when I first saw her in the pet shop and knew that she was mine and that I was hers.

My love is with you always my little angel.