We are family...

Last night I was remembering the trip that Kirby and I took to the United States in June and July of 2009. It was fantastic – Connecticut and New York are amazing places. So different from each other and each with its own character.

It was a very long trip from Adelaide, Australia to New York. It was about seventeen hours in planes all up with a stopover of a couple of hours in Sydney and about a six hour stopover in LA. Needless to say we were extremely tired by the time we boarded the American Airlines plane to New York.

We collected our boarding passes in LA and I noticed that Kirby and I were not seated together for the next leg of our journey to New York. We went to the American Airlines counter and questioned this and we were told to talk to the steward as we boarded the plane.

So we did. And the response we got?

“We seat families together first.”

Hmmm…

My response?

“We are a family too.”

It was clear that the steward wasn’t prepared to help us, and I was almost in tears. Fortunately a lovely woman swapped seats with me so that Kirby and I could sit together.

Before our IVF round in December, 2008, we had decided that if that round didn’t work we would take a holiday to the United States and then talk about IVF further when we got home. The wound of another IVF cycle which didn’t bring us our baby was still raw when we went to America – and being told we weren’t considered a family was like knitting needle being plunged into my heart.

It really hurt – and I was really angry and defensive. And I questioned whether Kirby and I were really a family if we didn’t have children.

Years have passed and I no longer have the same doubts. We are a family. There is no doubt in my mind about that now. But, it still hurts sometimes to think that other people might consider us as less of a family than those families which include children. That is their problem though.

I often take a moment to look at Kirby, and at our Felix, Frankie, Odi, and Ari, and I feel quite content with our little family.

You know the funny thing? We were seated separately on the way from New York back to LA as well. And, yet again, a kind person offered to swap with me.

Some airlines may not understand that Kirby and I are a family – but it seems there are people out there who do.

If I can only visualise hard enough...

I guess at some point most of us think that we can have whatever we want in life. I know I used to. I looked for the magical answer that would bring me the life I wanted. You name it – I tried it. Crystals, Feng Shui, prayer and meditation, and visualisation.

Visualisation – that’s a big one. But I’ll write more about that later.

Even since I knew Kirby and I would never have children I thought I could have the life I wanted. I negotiated with life, I thought if I can’t have kids then I would compromise and think about what else I wanted and then I could have a life that encompassed that instead.

It seems crazy to me now. I don’t, personally, believe that things happen to us on purpose to teach us things, but sometimes you can learn something anyway and I know one of the lessons I took away from not having children is that life isn’t going to hand me what I want just because I want it. It has just taken me a while to really understand this.

And back to visualisation. There are many self-help “gurus” around who say that we can have the life we want by using visualisation and just making it happen. It’s curious that the lives they suggest we can have all involve big houses, expensive cars, and a lot of money – and how the tickets for the seminars these people run are generally a couple of hundred dollars each, if not more.

To me – it’s kind of cultish. It’s getting people to pay lots of money to someone who is going to tell them they can have it all – when no one, ever, can really have it all. So, they are selling a lie.

Wow! That sucks...

We who have not been able to have children know very well that we can’t have it all no matter what we do or try or visualise. And, this means there are quite possibly other things we can’t have either – for example, a dream of mine is to climb Mount Everest (seriously!), but I am unlikely to ever do it because I have a heart murmur and a hole in my heart.

I would like to travel the world for a year or two, but that means I couldn’t have my pets – I want both! But, I can’t have both.

I want people I care about to get better – but some of them never will again.

Now that I’ve accepted that I can’t control every aspect of my life and there will never be a point where I have everything I want and I will live happily ever after I have found a sense of happiness I didn’t expect. Sounds strange, doesn’t it…

I’ve read a book recently called “The Antidote: Happiness for People Who Can’t Stand PositiveThinking” by Oliver Burkeman. And I get it. By being realistic I can focus on what is here, now, rather than waiting or striving for something that is never going to happen. And by focussing on what is here and now I appreciate the smaller things rather than constantly waiting and hoping for the bigger things to happen.

That doesn’t mean I don’t have goals or don’t push myself in certain directions – for example, I might not be able to climb Mount Everest, but I fully intend to go on treks in Tasmania, and in the Himalayas at a lower altitude. I’m starting training to do this very soon.

I’ve put a short poem about my feelings about not having it all on a postcard which you can feel free to download and share.

This is what not having children has taught me – and blessed me with.

Bathurst with our boys...

Kirby, my husband, could possibly be the biggest motor racing fan in the world. You name the race and he will be there – and if he can’t be there then he will be watching it on the television.

For his fortieth birthday Kirby wanted to go to the Bathurst 12 hour race in New South Wales, and this is precisely what we did in the past fortnight. Some people may think I was dragged along to the race, but I actually enjoy motor sport too – although after three days of it in a row I could quite happily not see any motor sports for a while.

We had a fantastic time watching the cars, meeting some of the drivers, walking around the Bathurst circuit including going to the top of Mount Panorama. I do not know where the drivers get the nerves to drive down that part of the track! It is so steep!

We were sitting in the grandstand on the first day watching the enhanced performance cars in their qualifying race. A man and a woman walked by in front of the grandstand with two little boys in tow. I looked at Kirby and said “we would have been good parents to boys – how much would they have loved this?!” Then started to cry a little and Kirby sat and held my hand for a minute.

Six years since our last IVF round and I still get those moments when the reality of not having children is like a raw wound. I still wonder “what if”, I am sad that we don’t have our own children to share experiences like Bathurst with.

So, the more the years go on, the more I know that not having children is going to come back and sting me from time to time. I will cry and I may feel angry because we don’t have kids or guilt because I am enjoying my life even though we don’t have children.

It’s something I am going to have to accept, and in some ways embrace if I can. After I stopped being upset I thought about how it would have been to have our children with us. I imagined their faces lighting up as the cars roared down the track, how they would have had the energy to run about on the top of Mount Panorama while Kirby and I struggled on behind them, and the photos we would have got of them with their favourite drivers. It made me smile.

I can’t have my children in my real life, but I can have them in my dreams.

Bathurst was brilliant...

Going down Mount Panorama
- and this is not the steep part...

The 12 hour race is about to start...

Cookies...

BLESED in Thailand…Chiang Mai

I forgot to tell you about something that happened in Sukhothai that was really challenging at first – martial law was declared across Thailand. I found this out on the television one morning and I had no idea what to do. Should I be heading home? Should I be going to the Australian Embassy? Should I be hiding under the bed?

I contacted Kirby via email and he researched and found out that it wasn’t too much of a problem in northern Thailand – and even in Bangkok there weren’t too many issues for tourists. So, I decided to stay and go on to Chiang Mai. I was nervous, but I went anyway. What is that saying? Feel the fear and do it anyway?

So, onto Chiang Mai…

My room just left of the stairs...

I had an amazing hotel to stay at, ManathaiVillage. It really was like a little village surrounding a gorgeous pool. My room was so sweet and I had a little patio out the front of my room with chairs and a table. I sat there every morning with a coffee working out what I was going to do for the day. I was, and am, so happy that I booked over a year ago and therefore got a substantial discount on the room. 

The amazing pool...

The four days I spent in Chiang Mai really weren’t enough and I intend on going back again one day. But, I did fit a lot in during those four days.

Beckie (who was with me at BLES) told me about the Healing Family Foundation and said it was worth a visit. It is a foundation which employs people with (mainly) intellectual disabilities to do weaving which is then made into products such as clothing, bags, coasters, and bookmarks.

Healing Family Foundation...

Beckie was right – it was well worth the visit. I got to meet the people who are employed there and see them weaving. The artistry of these people was brilliant. They got to choose the colors and patterns that they wanted to weave every time – and every time their creations were different. And they were happy and that is the main thing. The man who formed the foundation did so because his own son was born with an intellectual disability and he didn’t want his son to end up poor and potentially on the streets. I did a lot of my souvenir shopping at the Foundation! 

The Stupa...

On one of the days I joined Anne and Laurent on a trip to Doi Inthanon National Park. It was about an hour and a half drive away and we hired a taxi driver for the day. The day started with a visit to Napamaytanidol Chedi and Phra Mahatat Napaphon Bhumisiri (which is a Chedi built to honor the 60th birthday of King Bhumipol and Queen Sirikit. The King’s Chedi was under renovation, but it was still worth visiting, if only to see the beautiful gardens.

The beautiful garden...

Vachiratharn Waterfall...

Initially we intended to see a waterfall and then go back to Chiang Mai, but we found out about a hike that would take us up the mountain and through some incredible landscapes. We kind of wanted to go, but kind of didn’t as the sign said the hike would take 2-3 hours even though it was under four kilometers (about 4.5 miles) in distance. Eventually we decided that we would do it, and we were so happy we did. The hike brought us to incredible gullies with old rainforests, a cloud forest, open areas that could have been straight from Scotland, and a perfect vista from the edge of the mountain to the valley below. I admit I was a bit scared walking along the trail next to the edge of the mountain, but really it was quite safe. The mountain is actually the highest in Thailand (around 2,565 meters) and technically is part of the foothills of the Himalayas, so I can now say I’ve been to the Himalayas (kind of…)!

The view down to the valley...

The cloud forest...

The old moat...

There was so much more that I did in Chiang Mai, but I’ll tell you about one of the best things I did while I was there. I started out the morning thinking I would do a tour of the temples in Chiang Mai’s walled city, but after two very crowded temples I decided to do a walk following the wall boundary of the old city instead. It was a long walk at over 6 kilometers (around 6.7 miles) in above 35 degree Celsius (95 degree Fahrenheit) heat, but it was worth it. The ruins of the walls were incredible. It was amazing to be able to look at and touch walls that were built in the late 13^th century and walk on bridges across a moat that was built around the same time. It was quiet in many of the sections and I loved the freedom of just seeing what I could see – rather than planning on seeing particular things. I saw beautiful flowers, some kind of tunnel that (while blocked now) would have led somewhere under the old city walls, stunning fountains, people fishing, kids playing…it was awe inspiring. 

Ruins of the old city walls...

And this was all while a military coup had come into play. There was a curfew between 10pm and 5am, there were no television broadcasts at all (not even the movie channel), and there were soldiers with machine guns around the place. If anyone had said that there would be a coup while I was in Thailand before I left it might well have stopped me going at all, but when I was there and it was all happening it didn’t change the love I had (and have) for that country and its people. I felt quite safe.

Thailand is my second home and I will be back there again.

It was an amazing, life-changing, trip. I learnt so much about patience, about what is truly important, and what people can achieve. It also made me realize, as I wrote in the entry about BLES, that I have not truly been following my dreams.

It’s strange to think that if I had children I would never have gone on this trip. This isn’t because people can’t go on holidays when they have children, but rather I probably wouldn’t have thought about it and I would have wanted to spend my holidays with my kids. I certainly wouldn’t have thought of going to Thailand on my own, and I loved going all on my own to Thailand.

What does that mean? Does it mean I no longer care about not having children? No it doesn’t. It just means that I have really embraced a different life to that I would have had if Kirby and I had children. My life as it is without kids is neither better nor worse than the life I expected I would have with kids. It’s just what my life is. And I love my life.

I am BLESed.

Thailand and the Sukhothai Historical Park...

When Fa (as well as Beckie and Mali) drove away after dropping me off in Sukhothai I went to my room and wept. I’m not ashamed to say it. I wanted to go home – meaning back to BLES. I was so unhappy.

One of the challenges of travelling alone is having to deal with loneliness and so called negative emotions. I realized I had to do something to improve my mood – so I went to bed for a sleep and then had a shower. I felt much better and began to look forward to the bike tour the next day.

The view from the restaurant...

This ability to deal with my attitude and emotions may not be a big deal for a lot of people, but for me it is a sign that I have changed a great deal. When we first realized we were not going to be having children I spent many days unable to deal with sadness, anger, frustration, etc. and in some ways I dwelt in and enabled those emotions. Being able to manage my feelings and attitudes in a foreign country and without relying on family and friends showed me how much stronger I have become. That doesn’t mean I don’t ever feel sad or angry, but these emotions don’t control me.

I love this flower...

The hotel I stayed at, The LegendhaSukhothai Resort, was nice. It was comfortable, clean, and had a great pool. The restaurant overlooked a beautiful lake with fountains in it, and there were little details everywhere such as water features and flowers.

Me, Jib, and Simone
- I'm the only one with muddy pants!

When I booked the hotel in June 2013 I had every intention of just riding around the Sukhothai Historical Park by myself, but I decided it would be worth doing a bike tour with a guide who could tell me what the ruins were all about. 

I found Jib who runs Sukhothai Bicycle Tour with his wife Miaow and I am so glad I did. Jib took me and another tourist, Simone, on a fantastic trip round the park. I learnt so much about the history of the park, the ruins, the way some of them were being renovated, and he took us to places that I wouldn’t have even known about.

The ruins included a palace, places where the king would go to meet his subjects, buildings where only the princesses were allowed in so that they could get ready for fertility ceremonies, and much, much more.

This Buddha was once covered in gold leaf...

One thing I did learn on the tour is that rather than watching a motorcyclist coming down the road toward me so that I can move if necessary, it is better to watch where I am cycling. I gave Jib and Simone quite the fright when I put the front wheel of the bike I was riding into a ditch and ended up off the bike and in the dirt. Jib and Simone were very concerned until they realized I was laughing. My main concern was whether I had damaged the bike!

Wat Chang Lom

The tour took the entire day and covered around 45 kilometers. When I got back to the hotel I decided to have a rest and then have dinner. I went to bed and woke up at 11pm…and then I fell asleep again straight away. I had no interest in dinner – I just wanted to sleep! I was so tired!

I spent the next day relaxing by the pool and meeting some of the other guests, including a couple who were travelling up to Chiang Mai the next day which was the same as what I was doing. We ended up travelling together, which was really nice.

I guess that is about it for Sukhothai. It is a pretty amazing place, and well worth a visit. We don’t have any buildings older than 225 years in Australia and so ruins as old as those in the Sukhothai Historical Park leave me absolutely awestruck.

BLESED in Thailand…

It’s incredible how much you can fit into two and half weeks. My Thailand trip was so full of activity, people, and the creation of memories that will last a lifetime.

Before I went to Thailand I said that it would be a once in a lifetime trip. I just can’t say that now. There is no way I will be able to keep myself from going back to this amazing and beautiful country. And there is no way I will be able to write about everything in just one blog entry…

Welcome to BLES!

So the first of three entries (all this week) will be about Boon Lott’s Elephant Sanctuary (BLES), followed by Sukhothai, and then Chiang Mai. 

My sweet cabin...

BLES is not a resort by any means. The accommodation is rustic and there is no air conditioning, television, or hot showers (at least not yet), but it is comfortable.  The elephants are not there for the entertainment of the guests. There are no elephant rides or treks and no performances where elephants do tricks or paintings.

"My cat" for the week - Romeo

It was heaven to me, because everything in the sanctuary was about the elephants – although all guests are treated amazingly well.  The food was incredible, Katherine Connor (the founder) constantly made sure we had what we needed, the mahouts greeted us with smiles (many of them only spoke limited English), and I felt completely at home. 

I can honestly say that my stay at BLES has changed my life. The people at BLES work so hard and with minimal resources and time. It takes a lot to care for the elephants and other animals at the sanctuary, particularly when the animals need regular medical care. The most life changing lesson I learnt is that my interaction with animals (and people for that matter) is not about me and what I want – it is about being with them as they are and not expecting them to do or give anything. That doesn’t mean I should be submissive and just accept everyone’s actions toward me and harmful circumstances I might find myself in, but it does mean that I can’t always go into a situation with the primary agenda being what I can get out of it.

There are so many experiences I could write about, but including them all would mean you would be reading this one entry for days. So, I have picked three that really stand out for me.

Me and BC

There is a little puppy who is about 12 weeks old named BC at the sanctuary. When I (along with another guest, Beckie) arrived Katherine told us that she didn’t know if BC would survive. He was very lethargic, wouldn’t eat or drink, and showed no real interest in anything. BC’s little ribs were showing clearly through his skin and it was so sad to think that this little puppy might die. BC was taken to the vet about two days after we arrived. The vet recommended a new medication, and within a day BC was a different puppy. He was eating, drinking, playing, and getting up to as much mischief as he could (as all puppies should!) BC especially liked to pull the bin over to see what was in there. 

Without BLES, BC would be dead, but instead he is getting better and will soon be ready to jump into the arms of his eager new owner.

On the day we arrived, Beckie and I went for a walk with the elephants. It was so hot, as it was on every day that I was in Thailand (around 38 degrees Celsius (100 degrees Fahrenheit)). One of the elephants headed into the pond and proceeded to gather up a trunk of muddy water, which she then tossed onto her back. Being a newbie, I didn’t realize it was best not to stand too close when elephants are bathing, and so I got completely covered in stinky, muddy splashes. But, I figured it was some kind of initiation to BLES as well as a lesson learnt.

Taking a walk with Lotus

There are three elephants that interact with guests more than the others. They are Wassana, Pang Dow, and Lotus. For at least a day these girls (the “Gossip Girls”) seemed to be assessing us. They came close and we gave them mangos and pats, but they were hanging back a little. On about the third day we were going for the morning walk with the elephants and I stopped to watch them coming down the track. Pang Dow started walking directly toward me. She came up close and looked at me with her kind and beautiful eyes. I patted her trunk and then put my forehead against hers. 

Lotus and Wassana and Pang Dow is there too...

Pang Dow

It was so special because she wasn’t forced to come to me – she chose to. Have a look at Pang Dow’s story here and here – you’ll see just how special her trust in me was given her story.

Okay, maybe just two more experiences…

On the last day I was at the sanctuary I was holding Katherine and her husband’s (Anon) four year old son in my arms. I told him I was leaving that day and he looked up at me and asked “Will you remember me?” It was such a sweet moment and I told him that of course I would remember him.

Beckie, Fa, Me and Katherine

If you ever go to BLES make sure you get Fa, an awesome guy, to take you to NanaCafé and Coffee Shop, and order an iced green tea. I want to recreate them now I am at home, but I really don’t think they will be the same!

Meeting Katherine and seeing what she has achieved has made me think about my own life and what I really want to do with it. It has made me question whether I am giving my all to following my dreams. I thought I was, but I now know I could do better. I do tend to take the easiest option, and this puts my dreams at risk. I tend to think “I’ll do it later” rather than getting on with it, and “later” never seems to come around. I will be bringing aspects of Katherine into my life – her dedication, commitment, hard work, positive attitude, and love of what she does.

Mali, one of the mahouts, and me

BLES, the elephants, the other animals, Katherine, her kids, the mahouts, and the BLES community have inspired me more than I can say.

To Thailand…

I wanted to write something profound about all the emotions and thoughts I felt and had this week since Minerva died, but I am just too tired. The grief over losing Minerva is taking its toll, as grief always does.

Instead – I’m just going to let you know that I won’t be writing any blog entries for the next two and half weeks. I will be leaving for my long awaited trip to Thailand on Sunday!

For those who don’t know what I’m talking about – for my fortieth birthday, instead of having a big party, I am going to Thailand to stay at an elephant sanctuary (Boon Lott’s Elephants Sanctuary) for a week and will then be checking out Sukhothai and Chiang Mai the week after that.

It is going to be quite the adventure and I will have so much to write about and many photos to share when I get back.

Reality check...

In the past year I have been thinking about how I would like my life to be given I can’t have children. I realised that, due to not having children, I was in position where I could follow paths and dreams that would have been much harder to pursue if I did have children. I also recognised that there were some adventures that I would not have been able to have at all if I had little ones – at least not until they were young adults.

The life I want includes travel, writing, advocating for animal rights and the environment, being outdoors hiking or canoeing, and being as engaged in my life and its possibilities as much as I can be.

With this vision came the realisation that I would have to be fit and healthy to make this life a reality. And I was far from healthy at the beginning of last year.

I have put on weight in the last five years. Much of the weight was gained while I was doing IVF – the medications I had to inject myself with are known to cause weight gain, I didn’t exercise as regularly as I should have due to the unfounded fear that something would happen to the eggs or embryos if I did, and I ate sugary, fatty foods to try and make myself feel better. Eventually I ended up with high blood pressure, high bad cholesterol, and my muscles were weaker – my health was at risk.

Since we finished IVF I haven’t really had any excuse not to lose weight. I just haven’t. I’ve tried a couple of weight loss programs, but none of them were suitable to continue long term. Eventually I kind of gave away the whole weight loss thing and decided to just do what I wanted – that is until I realised what I wanted my life to be.

At the beginning of last year I decided to be serious about losing weight. I started exercising – doing weights, doing aerobic activity, and trying to get as much incidental activity into my days as I could. I wanted that weight gone. I was successful for a while – but not for long. I went to see an Ayurveda practitioner who gave me advice on diet and lifestyle, which I was determined to follow for long term health. They actually advised me not to do aerobic exercise and to not go out when it was cold. So I didn’t. The small progress I’d made in losing weight was soon gone, along with the desire to follow Ayurvedic principles*, and I was back to where I started.

At the end of last year I realised it wasn’t long until I would be going to Thailand and I definitely wanted to lose weight for that! I renewed my commitment to losing weight and I thought I was doing pretty well – I was slimming down. Or so I thought.

Last week I was interviewed for a local television show and when I saw myself on the television I was shocked. I actually didn’t recognise myself. In my mind’s eye I was truly slimming down, my arms were toning up, and I was achieving what I wanted to. But, I could clearly see now that I wasn’t. To be honest, I wasn’t really trying that hard with the exercising – it was always “next week I’ll increase my aerobic exercise”, “next week I’ll do a bike ride”, or, “next week I’ll go up a kilogram in lifting weights.” I’ve also been eating whatever I want, whenever I want. I haven’t taken the time to learn what I need by way of food – especially as I am a vegetarian.

There’s nothing wrong with being larger – there are many women who are both beautiful and healthy at a larger weight. I’m not one of them – well, not healthy anyway (Kirby thinks I’m beautiful!). For me it is about how my health could affect what I want to do with my life. I am not healthy at a larger weight, and I don’t like not being able to lift things and not feeling fit and able. I don’t like the idea of going to Thailand and not being able to do the forty kilometre (25 mile) bike ride around the Sukhothai Historical Park that I want to do. I don’t like the idea of not being able to go on a strenuous hike ever again.

So, what am I going to do about it? First I am going to change my mindset. I’m no longer losing weight – in fact I’m not going to focus on losing weight at all. My aim is to be fit and strong and healthy.

I’m going to learn about what I should be eating, and I’m going to commit to an exercise program of weights and aerobics, and I will be setting goals – by the time I go to Thailand I want to be lifting at least six kilogram (thirteen pound) weights (I’m up to four (nine pound) now), I will be able to ride forty kilometres (25 miles), and I will feel confident that I can follow my dreams and the different paths of my life.

I will not be weighing myself anymore – instead I will be measuring my waist. It seems that waist measurement is important in determining health – and I will have a waist of less than 80 centimetres (31.5 inches) by the time I go to Thailand.

My life has so many wonderful opportunities. And I’m not going to miss them because I don’t feel healthy and I don’t feel strong. My children aren’t here – and I owe it to them to live the best life I can.

* Ayurveda is still a well recognised and amazing health system - but it just didn't work for me.

My big adventure...

In June last year I finally got up the courage to go into a travel agent and book flights for a trip to Thailand in 2014.

At the time it seemed like the trip was so far away, but here I am counting down the days until I catch that plane. I’m nervous, but so excited. It will be my first international trip by myself.

In my twenties I longed to do some travelling on my own, but I was quite ill with a number of conditions throughout that decade of my life and was never able to follow that particular dream. I had kind of put it out of my mind until the last few years. I will be forty in June this year and I started to think of the things I wish I’d done in my youth and I started to question whether it was really too late for me to do at least some of them now. It isn’t. This trip is like a present from my twenty-something year old self, who couldn’t follow a dream, to my almost forty-year old self, who can.

I’m going to northern Thailand to stay at an elephant sanctuary “Boon Lott’s Elephant Sanctuary” for six nights. I will get to spend time helping out with the elephants, washing them, getting their food ready, and giving them all the love and attention I can. I will also be helping with the other rescued animals at the sanctuary – dogs, cats, birds, and even a Brahman cow. I can’t wait to get to spend time with all these animals and with the family who run the sanctuary – including three little kids…yay!

After the sanctuary, I will be staying at Sukhothai for three nights and visiting an ancient city (built around the mid-13^th century) and then I will be going to Chiang Mai for five nights – which will include a tour to a national park, a visit to an orphanage to play with the children there, and a visit to one of the Karen hill tribes. Overall I will be away for fifteen days. Kirby is staying at home to look after the fur-kids, so I am going all on my own.

It is interesting for me to reflect on the likelihood that I would not be doing this trip if we had children, because I would have wanted to spend my holidays with my family. Sometimes when I think about this I like the idea that I am free to do this trip, and then I feel guilty.

Should I feel guilty? I would have loved our children, but we don’t have them, and instead I am doing things that I want to do, creating a different life. Should I feel guilty for enjoying this life and feeling blessed by the opportunities I have? I don’t think, but that niggling little guilt fairy likes to try and convince me I should, and sometimes I believe them too.

But, as the trip to Thailand gets closer, the level of excitement is certainly drowning out any guilt I might feel. I can’t wait!! So, guilt fairy, take a hike!

Sometimes...

Kirby and I have known for about three years that we can’t have children, and mostly we are okay with it.

Then there are days when it slams into us (me today!) with such a force I want to run and hide.

Today I had to go to a gynaecologist for a little problem (no need to go into details!!). What I didn’t really pick up on was that the gynaecologist was also an obstetrician. I arrived at the clinic and headed to the waiting room which was just around the corner from the reception desk.

There I was confronted with the sight of five obviously pregnant women. Normally I am okay with this kind of thing, but today it struck me hard. I wanted to be one of them – I wanted to be sitting in the waiting room ready to see my doctor to talk about the next stages of the journey toward meeting our baby.

I honestly felt like crying and I wanted to leave, but I couldn’t – after all I’d waited two months for this appointment…

I don’t belong to any particular religion, but I do believe in a higher power, and just lately I’ve been meditating and praying and asking for a bit of help and guidance when I need it instead of thinking I have to do it all on my own.  I asked for help as I was sitting in the waiting room, and soon I could feel my heart gently taking the lead over my head (my head being the naughty negative self).

When I meditate I have a mantra I use, which is “I am all, all is me”. This helps me to realise that I am a part of everything and everything is a part of me. In the waiting room I suddenly felt as though I was a part of all of these women and the amazing transformations that were happening within them and the children that would soon be in their lives. I will never experience that directly for myself, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love the fact that it is happening for them.

After having this realisation I remembered my plans for next year. Next year I am going to Thailand to work at an elephant sanctuary (Boon Lott’s Elephant Sanctuary in Sukhothai – check it out – http://blesele.org/ the work they do is amazing!) instead of having a 40^th birthday bash.

I can do this so much more easily than many other women because I don’t have children of my own. I can take off on an adventure whenever I feel like it. And I intend to. After Thailand I hope to do a trek through Nepal and Tibet, walk the Cradle Mountains in Tasmania (Australia), a meditation retreat somewhere and I plan on having many, many other adventures.

This is my life now. And all of those women are a part of that too.                                                                     

Row for your life...

After we realised that we weren’t going to be having children I was in a very downward spiral. I couldn’t see past the emptiness of the rooms in our house, nothing was right, and the only thing I wanted was the one thing I couldn’t have – our child. My life seemed to be a great big nothing.

But, somewhere way down in my depths a little spark of light ignited and slowly I began to warm up to the idea of a life where I didn’t have my own children. It started to look interesting, and even appealing, and eventually I couldn’t wait to get started on all the things I was going to do.

I was going to travel, I was going to learn about anything that caught my interest, I was going to get into volunteer work in conservation and/or human rights, I was going to be the healthiest I could be so that I could enjoy life for as long as possible, I was going to be a writer, and I was going to be on a life quest in regards to my spirituality.

So, that excitement rose about two years ago – just after our nephew was born. I did nothing with it, and it went away again.

The excitement didn’t exactly fall into oblivion, but it somehow got muddled up in life and I forgot about it. I forgot about all the things I was going to do and experience – the things that, while not making up for not having a child, would help to make my life meaningful.

About two weeks ago I wrote a letter to myself (how crazy does that sound??!!) and it was the best thing I could have done. I gave myself the wakeup call that I needed. I was hard on myself, I cut through all of the excuses not to do things that were squirming their way around my brain, and I gave myself plans to get on with the life that I know I want.

Looking back now I can see why I didn’t pick up on those threads of excitement, hang on tight and ride all the way through to adventure. I didn’t have the confidence. I think that much of this had to do with the fact that I can’t have a baby.

Being a mother is something I always thought was inevitable for me. It was something I was going to be good at (at least for the most part), and carrying a baby in my body was something I longed to do. Pregnancy, in particular, was something I saw as so fundamental to being a woman that I never doubted that it would happen for me. When I was unable to conceive and create a child I felt like a failure as a woman, and then a failure as a person.

This sense of failure, without my realising it, began to taint my self-confidence. I failed as a woman, so therefore I would fail at pretty much anything else I tried too. Whenever I thought about doing something different or new my inner-self would go on about how I would never succeed, that I was just going to fail again, that people would judge me for even trying, that I should just lay low until it was all over. All over?

I didn’t want it to be all over with me still sitting, hiding under a rug in the corner. The letter from me to myself told me that I didn’t want that.

The letter I wrote was personal, but this is a section of it that I want to share:

I think it’s time to acknowledge that you have not being making the steps toward that life. You are still stuck. Your identity is grey and murky and somewhere out on the ocean in the fog, but you are not picking up the oars to row to where you might find yourself. It is disappointing. Life keeps on moving and the years pass. Do you want to be stuck in the fog forever? How will you feel at the end of your life? Tired, wasted, unhappy? What will you have missed that you will never get back?

I am not at a point yet where I have rowed out of the fog. My inner-self still has that part that tells me to stop and hide somewhere – to lay low in the boat.

But there’s something else in me as well – something that seems to be getting stronger – something that is saying “Get up, pick up those oars, and row for your life.”