In the past month my cousin
has given birth to her and her husband’s first child – a baby girl.
And I have been thrown
around in a sea of emotions in a way that hasn’t happened in quite some time. I
was on edge even before my little second cousin was born.
I had dreams about
holding my own baby daughter, and one night I awoke in a panic because I
reached out and couldn’t find her crib at the side of our bed.
Another night I sat
bolt upright in bed and said aloud “I want to try again.”
I felt angry that we didn’t
have a child that would be an elder cousin to the new little baby that was about
to be born. I wanted our child to be there to play with her and cuddle her and
show her how to get away with as much mischief as possible.
I wondered what it
would be like to feel life growing inside of me, to feel those kicks and
movements, and to give birth and experience that pain that would bring our
child into the world.
Would our cousins’
baby and ours share any features like my cousins and I do? Perhaps eye shape or
hair colour or love of animals or interests in music or art or who knows – and we
will never know.
In writing that last
sentence I have just realised something. We will never know, but I will
think about it from time to time and I like the thought of that. As our new
baby cousin grows and starts showing her own personality (although I suspect
she is already doing that…), and we learn what she likes and what she doesn’t, I
will think about what interests our baby might have shared with her.
Of course our baby would
no longer be a little child – they would be seven years old if the second round
of IVF had worked (where we had an embryo put into my womb) or six years old if
the third round had worked. I love the thought of our child, our nephew (almost
five years old), and the new baby spending time together. I think my cousins’
little girl would have been quite well looked after and spoilt by her two older
boy cousins.
I don’t really know if
our baby would have been a boy, but I always thought that it would be – our
little Jacob Arthur, Samuel Kirby, or Caleb Maxwell. It’s odd, therefore, that
I dreamt about having a daughter before my cousins’ baby was born, but my
cousins did know their baby was going to be a girl before she was born and I
guess my subconscious decided that in my dreams we would have a girl as well.
I felt guilty, at
first, about some of the feelings of anger and, I’ll say it, jealousy I had,
but I have remembered, yet again, that it is quite normal to have them. And it
is also true that, at least for me, I will, from time to time, feel let down by
life and sad about not having our own child.
I want you all to know
that as well, and that way when you experience those emotions that you feel are
wrong or even shameful perhaps you will recognise that they are actually quite
normal and then not be so hard on yourself – as I have been somewhat hard on
myself lately.
I met my little baby
girl cousin just over a week and a half ago, and to say I am smitten is a
complete understatement. I am completely and totally head over heels in love
and besotted…which I think might be quite obvious in the photo below…
 |
| Me and my new cousin... |
