Before I really start
this entry I want to make it very clear that what I am writing applies to me
only. In no way is this medical advice or suggesting that what happened to me
will happen to everyone. Talk to your doctor about your situation and what is
right for you.
Okay – now that’s out
of the way!
A few months ago I
wrote about how I have extremely heavy periods to the point of being borderline
anaemic, and that I was going to try the Mirena (a new wave IUD) (you can read that entry
here). Just over
three weeks ago I had it put in and initially it was great. No bleeding, no
pain (except when it was put in), and I was positive it was going to work for me.
Well – not so much.
A few days later I started having slight mood
swings – I would go from being happy to weeping for no reason that I could
identify. It wasn’t nice, but I thought it was just an adjustment to the Mirena
and would pass.
But, it didn’t. It got
worse. I went from happy to weeping to happy to weeping. I didn’t know what was
going on, but I was still determined to keep going with it until my review with
my doctor just before Christmas.
But, then... Okay some
back story first. I first got depression when I was 22 years of age (so almost
20 years ago). It started soon after a client at my work thought it might be a
good idea to stab me when I went on a home visit and I had to fight them off. I
ended up leaving that job, but depression came along with me.
Over the first ten
years or so I tried many natural therapies and counselling and so on to try and
overcome the depression – but, despite people trying to convince me otherwise,
mine is a chemical imbalance and I have to be on medication. It took me a long
time to accept this and only then was I able to work with my psychiatrist to
find a medication regime that really suits me.
Until we found that
regime I regularly had an episode of depression (perhaps two to three a year
which lasted a month or more at a time). I would be in a black hole where I had
no energy, I had no decision making ability (I would wear the same clothes day
after day, eat only bread, and stare at the TV unable to change the channel
because my brain just didn’t work properly).
Believe it or not – it
was the in-between times that were often the hardest; those times when I was
sinking into depression and I didn’t want to believe that I could possibly be
having yet another episode.
This is still hard to
reveal to people, but I did do self-harm. When I first became sick I attempted
to take my own life (through overdose) and it was a rose that saved me. I took
tablets, then looked out the window and saw the sun shining on a rose – and I
realised I didn’t want to never see such a vision again – and I called for
help. I also scratched myself on my thighs to the point that I bled, and there
are scars where I did so.
Well – I haven’t had
an episode for almost four years and I haven’t done self-harm in that time
either. My life has been really good – I’ve learnt that I don’t have to be
happy all the time and that I don’t have to fight all the so-called negative
feelings. I used to be scared that any sadness or anger meant I was getting
depressed – but I now realise that they are normal part of the spectrum of emotions
(at least most of the time). I can sit with these feelings and not fight them,
and I think this has helped, as trying to fight them was exhausting and I believe
contributed to my depression.
Okay – back story
finished.
Last week I was
flipping backwards and forwards between being fine and weeping. I even cried
when I was leaving to go to the shops and had to leave my pets – I felt like my
heart was breaking. Then, mid last week I went into the bathroom feeling so
sad, I picked up some tweezers, and ran them across my thigh. It was only a
light scratch, but it shocked me so much. I called Kirby and told him straight
away and then told my Mum as well. It was clear that the Mirena was messing
with me.
Last Monday I went to
my doctor and told her what happened. She immediately said that the Mirena was
coming out and that it was going to come out straight away. I was so relieved –
especially because she validated that it was the Mirena and I wasn’t going
crazy.
The first day after it
came out wasn’t easy as I still felt emotional, but now I feel like my usual
self again, much to the delight of Kirby, my parents, my parents-in-law, and my
dogs and cats too (and of course me!)
Now what is quite
confronting is that the options available to me now are going to be much more
invasive and more permanent. From what I understand, the options are a uterine
ablation (where the lining of my uterus will be destroyed) or a hysterectomy.
I admit – I’m anxious.
I have no idea which one the gynaecologist will recommend and which option I
will take up.
But, I’ll know soon
enough. I have an appointment with a gynaecologist two weeks today and with the
one I hoped to see (as she specialises in peri-menopause and all the fun things
associated with it).
Well – I think I’ve
rambled on enough for today. I’ll certainly let you know how the appointment
goes, and in particular how I’m feeling about it all, after my visit to the
gynaecologist on the 17th.
Adieu till next time!
And, are you ever going to laugh at my next entry!
