Wow! What a weekend of
ups and downs and challenges…which all started on Thursday.
On Thursday I had my follow
up appointment with my gynaecologist and I mentioned to her that I have been
having a pain that feels like something is pressing on the left side of my
lower abdomen, and every now and then a sharp pain that sometimes makes me
double over and gasp. She explained that sometimes there can be a build-up of
fluid on the ovary side of the clip that was put on fallopian tube.
So I’m off for an
ultrasound on Friday and then another appointment with my gynaecologist
Thursday week.
I learnt some more
about my endometriosis as well. It was not just a little bit, but is at stage three.
There are four stages from one to four with one being the least amount of
endometriosis and four being the most – although the amount of endometriosis
does not equate to the symptoms or pain a woman can feel. A woman can have
stage one and be in a lot of pain, while a woman can have stage four and not
feel anything.
It seems I have stage three
with much of the endometriosis in places where it cannot be removed.
I’m not sure what is
going to happen from here, but much will depend on the ultrasound findings, but
possibilities are further surgery and a possible hysterectomy. Which I do not
want. I definitely do not want a hysterectomy if at all possible.
Friday I was one very
unhappy chicken. When I went in for the uterine ablation and the clipping of my
fallopian tubes I was looking forward to a simple procedure which would leave
me with far less monthly bleeding and therefore an increase in energy. I was
really excited about feeling good again and being able to get on with life.
But, as can happen with all of us, it wasn’t so simple and things still aren’t
sorted out.
So – Friday. I went
out to the pond to find one of my fish, Sahmi (a golden comet), had died – he lived
in the little pond with Uthai (another golden comet), and Jade and Jasper (my
catfish). As my regular readers will know I love my fish. They all have names
and they are very friendly.
I had to do a water
change in both of the fish ponds and so I did that and put the fountain back in
the bigger pond. I went inside to do some other things that needing doing.
Later I went back outside and my big pond had tipped over and much of the water
was gone. The dirt underneath was a quagmire and the pond was floating. I panicked
as I couldn’t see my big fish (Rose, Ash, Billy, Jamie, Flint, Gertie, Myrtle, Faith,
and Mai). I pictured them having gone through a hole in the bottom of the pond
and having disappeared somewhere in the mud.
I ran into the shed
and grabbed the first plastic box I could find to put any of the fish I could
find in. While doing so I shut the garage door on my thumb – ripping some of the
skin off and bruising my nail. It was very, very fortunate that as I emptied
the big pond I found each and every one of my babies.
I rang Kirby in tears –
I just didn’t know how I was going to cope. Being the amazing man he is, he
talked me through my feelings and suggested sitting down with a coffee and
doing some deep breathing. I did so and felt much better – although my thumb
was really hurting by this stage!
Onto Saturday. Kirby and
I found that the area beneath the pond was extremely soggy and far too soggy to
put the pond back in, unless we wanted it to float and tip over again. Kirby’s
Dad came over and suggested we put two large holes deep into the ground and
fill them with gravel so that any water would drain away more easily, now and
in the future. Kirby did this, but by Sunday the ground still hadn’t drained
enough to put the pond back.
On Sunday we decided
that the best option, as the fish couldn’t stay in the containers for much longer,
would be to empty the little pond and put Uthai, Jasper, and Jade into the big
pond. And then we could put the big pond where the little pond had been (on
stable ground) for the time being until the water in the big pond hole drained
away.
I began emptying the
little pond. Uthai was easy enough to catch, and being the easy going fish that
he is he was quite happy in the container I put him in until the big pond was
ready. As I emptied the pond further I started getting worried as Jasper and
Jade were nowhere to be seen, which was unusual as they are curious and like to
know what’s going on – especially Jade.
I eventually found
Jasper. He was dead on the bottom of the pond. Then I found Jade, she was very
ill and on the bottom of the pond. I burst into tears and it felt like nothing
could stop my heart from breaking.
The endo, the
possibility of future surgery, the fact that our kids had more of a chance than
the IVF clinic had given them, and my fish. It was far, far too much to take
on. I actually had a dream on Saturday night (before I found Jade and Jasper)
that I was in a room with some other women and there were darts, daggers, and
spears sticking out from the walls. The people in control said that every now
and then, with no notice, the weapons would be shot out into the room and some
of us would be injured and possibly die. The only way out was to pass some
tests. One of which was to be able to communicate with a dog, but I don’t
remember the rest of the tests. It was really frightening – especially when I
had passed a test (the dog communication one) but still had to go back into the
room, with the possibility I would die, before I could do any further tests.
I’m still thinking
about that dream. It is one of those ones that seemed to have a message from my
subconscious.
Pretty yucky weekend
all around.
Then, last night, something
happened. I didn’t want to go to bed as my mind was racing and I was crying a
lot and I didn’t think I would be able to sleep. I decided to go outside, in
the cool darkness, and look up at the stars for a while. At first I could only
see a few stars, then more became visible, and eventually I could see the white
mist of the Milky Way.
I thought to myself –
the Milky Way is so vast, and then there is this universe beyond that. One of
the stars I could see is 1340 light years away, which means the light I was
seeing left that planet around the year 670AD. The time before me and the time
after me is fathomless. I’m tiny, I’m a blip (less than a blip really). My life
is nothing in the vast scheme of things.
Instead of making me
feel unimportant and worthless I felt a weird sense of freedom. If my life is
so small and I am a speck of dust, then why do I worry about so many things?
Why don’t I feel the sadness, the happiness, the love, the hate, without
judgement? Why don’t I just get on with my life as it is? If I don’t really
matter in the big picture then maybe I ought to live my life without all this
worry and speculation and wondering what other people think of me and how messy
the house is and trying to work out how I can control what happens to me. All I
need to do is live the best I can doing what I believe is important.
That’s all I need to
do. I can still feel the fear and loneliness, but I need to learn to detach
from them so I can see them for what they are, and not hold onto them when they
are no longer of any use to me. I can still feel sorrow at the loss of my fish
and that our children were never born, and I can feel anger at the IVF clinic. But,
I need to realise I don’t have control of everything – or anything perhaps.
There is a freedom about this and all I need to do is embrace that freedom.
That’s all I need to
do.
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| Some of my beauties... |
