Before I start this
entry I want to make a clarification regarding last week’s post. It’s true that
people with children will generally spend more time with people who also have
children, but there is nothing really wrong with that. It’s actually to be
expected. People who share common interests do tend to hang out together – and
having children is a huge common interest. It is also so important for parents
to have that base on which they can gain support from people in a similar
situation. Not that we who don’t have children can’t provide support to parents
– it’s just that it will be a different kind of support. As a really simplified
analogy – you can go and cheer on a soccer team without playing soccer and have
some idea of what the players are going through, but the team members on the
field will be the ones who really get the game.
Now that’s clarified –
let’s get on with this week’s entry.
I’ve recently come
across a book by Jessica Sepel called “The Healthy Life”. It is an absolutely
fabulous book in terms of gaining knowledge about all different areas of
health, including fitness and nutrition of course, but also regarding being gentler
with oneself, forgiving oneself, and being more compassionate toward oneself.
It also has a great section on sleep – which has been an eye opener for me – or
should that be eye closer? (Please excuse that really lame attempt at a joke! J).
One of the sections
is about drawing what you want, in terms of your dreams, to you through mantras,
belief, vision boards, etc. It’s kind of like “The Secret”.
Now – if you’re a
regular reader you will already know that I have a massive aversion to anything
to do with the law of attraction. I don’t believe it is as simple as that. This
is especially true given I had every expectation I would have children to the
point that I had their nursery worked out in my head, had collected samples of
paint and material, had saved a picture of a gorgeous wall border, and even had
clothes put away ready for them when they arrived. If that’s not belief and
vision and so forth, then I don’t know what is! Yet – my beautiful babies,
whether they had been Ruby, Jacob, or my Hayley (who would have been nineteen
this year – I haven’t written much about
her, but I will one day – I’m not quite ready at this point) never arrived.
Despite the
marvellous insights I gained from the rest of Jess’s book I was going to skip
the entire section on living the life of my dreams. But, I thought what have I
got to lose?
I’m glad I read it.
While I still don’t believe that getting what you want is as simple as
believing you are worthy of what you want, envisioning it, and working towards
it, I have had insights into where I am and have been that I wouldn’t have had
otherwise.
I sat down with a cup
of tea, and with my pencil to highlight different parts of the section that
interested me, and I began to read. Soon I was in tears.
What was it that struck
me so?
I realised that I’d
gone to the extreme of not believing I could have anything I wanted. I didn’t
believe that I was actually worthy of achieving anything – especially regarding
my dream of being a science fiction writer.
After all, I can’t do
what comes naturally to most other women – I can’t do the simple thing of
carrying and giving birth to a child. If I can’t do that, then how could I believe
that I could do anything else in my life?
Losing our precious
dog, Ari, last year added to this hurt and subconscious thought. I didn’t recognise
that he was so sick, I told myself time and time again that I should have. He
was my boy, and I let him down. Even though in reality I know that I did
everything I could and nobody could have picked up how sick he was – even the
vet.
I was a failure. So,
why dream big?
I was useless. So,
why should I even think I deserve to have anything I want?
I’ve been pushing my
writing away by making every excuse under the sun – and finding other things
that need to be done urgently (like doing the dishes or cleaning the toilet or
watching that episode of Brooklyn 99 for the tenth time (though it is a good
show! Great for a giggle!)).
I need to step away
from the extreme of assuming I can’t, and move a little toward believing that
maybe I can. Why not? Where is the harm in having a vision board or repeating
mantras if it’s going to put me in the right frame of mind where I might make
it to be a full time science fiction writer? Where is the harm in believing I can
create a beautiful garden to surround our home? Where is the harm in believing
I can snorkel, cage dive with white pointers (yes that is on the list!),
travel, and have many adventures? Where is the harm in believing in myself?
I am really thankful
to Jess. She’s brought me to a point where I am much more compassionate with
myself, and this has allowed me to think about who I am and what stirs my heart
and soul, and to start to remove the self-judgement that I’m no good.
I might not make it,
but I am now in a frame of mind where I believe more in myself – and surely
that can’t be a bad thing.
So, thank you Jess!
