In my entry on the 31stof January I mentioned Hayley, and that I wasn’t quite ready to write about
her. In the last week something happened that brought her back into my mind and
I want you to know about her now.
What happened last
week was in the Adelaide Railway Station. A man was yelling at a woman because
she was having difficulty using the ticket machine (which I, myself, have found
confusing at times). He called her a “f**king idiot” and “bloody stupid” etc.
My rage skyrocketed and I asked him what the hell he thought he was doing and
told him not to talk to her like that. He scurried off like the low-life
creature he was. Sadly, despite the railway station being reasonably busy, I was
the only one that spoke up. What a society we live in!
Well – this incident brought
back memories and emotions that I haven’t felt in years.
In 1998 I was in an extremely
unhealthy relationship. Many things happened in that relationship that made me
feel humiliated and degraded, including being talked to like that man spoke to
the woman. It was tough to get my confidence and sense of self back, and it surprised
me how easily I slipped back into feeling those old “I’m no good, I really am
stupid” thoughts and emotions again. Other things happened in the relationship
that I would rather not write about as they are too personal, but I am facing
them now and I believe I will become stronger through that.
One of the hardest
things in the relationship was when I had a very early miscarriage. I was only about
six weeks along and I never had a pregnancy test, but I knew. My period was late
(and it never was) and other signs were there. Then she left. I don’t really
know if the baby would have been a girl, but I felt like she would have been, and
I would have called her Hayley. She would have been nineteen years old next
month.
When I told the “man”
I was in a relationship with about the miscarriage, his response was along the
lines of “well, it’s lucky you lost it.” Even now thinking about those words
stings my heart. She would have been his child and he had no love at all for her.
Wow!
To cope with this, as
I did often then, and still do sometimes now, I wrote a poem for Hayley.
Whisper
A whisper on the whisper of the
breeze
Through my body
Changes as ancient as the sea of
time
Announced your presence
Within a heartbeat
I knew you
I loved you
I dreamed forward to the day
That my arms would hold you
I did not know
That you could not stay
That you would slip away
Almost unnoticed
Except that I felt you
Dancing with my body
Taking your part
They say it’s for the best
For the best maybe
But I’ll always wonder
Wonder about you
My baby
