We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Kicking butt...

Then again – since the last entry – I’ve realised that sometimes I do need to be a bit harder on myself. There are times to hold my emotions and thoughts like little, fractious children, and times when they need some boundaries and a reality check.

On the weekend we went to a picnic to celebrate the first birthday of our friends’ little boy. It was held in the Botanic Gardens in Adelaide and, despite the weather people telling us it would rain, the sun shone through the entire afternoon. Our friends organised a wonderful afternoon tea with cupcakes, dips, savoury biscuits, and fairy bread. There were carrots and healthy food, but it was a party – and I tended toward the fairy bread...

As more people arrived the number of children grew exponentially, including a few children that were about the same age as our child would have been (even one sweet little girl who had was born on the same day as our child would have been due – she had a dinosaur birthday party – how cool is that!).

I wanted to get into it all – to play with the kids – but I felt fragile and uncertain. It came to a point where my eyes became disobedient and the tears started. I caught Kirby’s eye and said I was going for a quick walk. He was straight onto it that something was wrong.

We found a little secluded seat and sat while I cried a bit. I felt guilty and told him not to make a fuss and not to tell anyone where I was or that I was crying. It wasn’t about me that day – it was about the beautiful little boy whose party it was.

I asked Kirby if he could get some money from my purse and go and get a coffee – to give me time to calm down. He walked back to the party, but returned fairly quickly without coffee to say that they were opening presents and did I want to come back to the party. I was still upset, and I didn’t want anybody to see, so I said no. I told him he should go back – particularly as he was chief photographer for the day.

I sat there for a few more moments feeling miserable. We had bought a gorgeous little book about animals, with different materials for each animal that could be petted, and Batman pyjamas (I’m Batman…shhh! (Big Bang Theory reference…couldn’t help myself…)), and I wanted to be there to see our friends’ little boy open the present – to see his reaction and those of his parents.

My higher self – or whatever it is – suddenly piped in and said “Snap out of it!” It was very firm and I was a little shocked, but I did, in fact, snap out of it. My eyes were still red, so I was thankful for sunglasses, but I went back to the party in time to see our present opened and the fascination our friends’ little boy had for of his new little book. It was heart-warming and I’m so glad I didn’t miss it.

After that I thoroughly enjoyed the party – not that I didn’t before, but I did feel out of place. I was able to interact with the children for whom they are and smile and play and talk to other people with happiness and contentment.

I don’t know if anybody noticed my disappearance and realised why I took some time out, but I think some of my friends did. I am so thankful for them. They didn’t make a fuss, they didn’t ask if I was okay, and that was exactly what I needed at that point in time. I didn’t want be the centre – I wanted to get on with enjoying the party. But, at the same time I know they love me and understand and that I always have their support. I am a very, very lucky woman to have these people in my life. And I am very, very lucky to have a husband that loves me and is my rock. And I am very, very lucky to have so many gorgeous children to love and cherish. 

And I am very, very lucky to have a higher self to kick my butt when I need it.

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