He’s going to say I
have nothing to feel guilty about – but I have been feeling guilty lately.
I’ve been feeling
guilty since the surgery and when I found out about the endometriosis.
So, it’s true that I
may not have had endo back in 2009/2010 when we were doing IVF, and it’s true
that even if I did and it was treated it may not have made any difference to me
getting pregnant. It is, however, the closest thing to an explanation as to why
we couldn’t get pregnant that we have ever had. All we ever got from the IVF
clinic was “unexplained fertility”, which left us wondering if the issue was
with me, with Kirby, or with both.
It’s not that either of
us would have blamed each other – there is no blame.
Well – I know that I
wouldn’t have blamed Kirby, and I know that he wouldn’t have blamed me. So,
feeling like I do at the moment doesn’t really make sense – but then how often
do feelings and thoughts really make sense?
I feel guilty that it
seems I was the one who couldn’t bring a baby into our lives and who couldn’t
make Kirby a father. He deserves to be a Dad. He should have had a son or
daughter to raise and nurture and discipline and be annoyed at some times and
love and have fun times with and create memories with. And I couldn’t give him
that.
I keep thinking that I
should have known endo was a possibility, and that I should have pushed for
more tests and investigations. But, how could I know that endo was a
possibility if I didn’t even know what endo was?
I asked Kirby the
other night if he would still have married me if he knew that I couldn’t have children.
I regretted asking the question as soon as I did. I know the answer – he would have.
Asking him that question was unkind.
But I keep ruminating
about the unfairness that my inept body cannot give him a child. I guess I’m just
going to have to sit with that for a while until it passes by. And I hope it
does soon.
2 comments:
I think these thoughts are normal. Most of us probably ask the questions earlier on, when we get a clear diagnosis, but still, whenever we ask the question, it's painful. So I'm thinking of you.
I guess I have two comments. The first is that it is possible to let go of the guilt. It takes time, and acceptance, but is great when it happens. To me, the purpose of guilt is to teach us not to do something again, or to make amends. Guilt come when we've done something wrong. Well, you've done nothing wrong. As you say, there's no blame. The fact that you see this means that you'll find that acceptance ... sooner rather than later, I think.
I wrote this about guilt last year -
http://nokiddinginnz.blogspot.co.nz/2015/07/letting-go-of-guilt.html
Thanks Mali - I like your comment about guilt being about when we've done something wrong. You're right - I've done nothing wrong. I just read your blog post and it really spoke to me about guilt and what it truly means - so thank you for sharing that. Today I actually feel really good - I allowed myself to go back to bed and cry for exactly two hours and then got up and felt so much better. Perhaps those guilt feelings will come again - but I feel that I have the tools to deal with them when they do. xx
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