We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016

I don't want a baby...

Surgery is over and I’m on day six of getting better. It all went well and while I’m a bit sore still and can’t do a lot of physical activity I do feel much better energy wise and therefore mentally and spiritually as well.

My surgeon found more endometriosis – quite significant scarring actually. And it may be that the pain I felt before I will still feel in the future. I’m reading a book called “Endometriosis and Pelvic Pain” by Dr Susan Evans at the moment to get some tips on lifestyle changes I can make to help me be as healthy as possible. I may go to the clinic where Dr Evans works as well as luckily for me it’s here in Adelaide, South Australia.

One thing that concerned/s me a little is that my surgeon said that if the pain doesn’t go away then the next step may be a hysterectomy, but from what I’ve learnt about endometriosis, a hysterectomy won’t do anything to fix the problem. I think I’ll get a second opinion before going down that road as it’s not a simple procedure.

Well, as the title of this post says, I don’t want a baby anymore. Really – I don’t.

I no longer think much about holding our newborn or nursing him or her or changing their nappies.

Instead that longing has been replaced by one for our seven year old child. I wish our seven year old Jacob or Ruby were here with us. I wish they were moving from being a small child to being one with more independence and riding around the wetlands on their bikes with their own friends, who is going to school and learning, and perhaps playing sports. Who knows what they would have been interested in? I wish they were here so we could know them.

In my heart my children are growing up as the years pass by. They were newborns, toddlers, pre-schoolers, and now they are seven years old.

A few weeks ago Kirby and I both had gastro – as we were sitting in the lounge feeling sorry for ourselves I asked Kirby if he thought Jacob or Ruby, given they did not have gastro also, would have looked after us as best a seven year old could do. We both thought that they would have – at least some of the time. 

Then Kirby and I held hands and reflected on what might have been.


Mali said...

Sending hugs.

I know the "I don't want a baby" feeling. And generally, I just don't let myself think about what might have been. I'm sure I will in a few weeks though - a child whose mother was pregnant the same Christmas that I was (almost 14 years ago) is coming to stay.

Hope your recovery goes smoothly.

Kate Bettison said...

Thanks Mali! It's hard to see kids the same ages as ours would have been xx

Elizabeth said...

Hi I'm new to the blogging community, I found your blog on the stirup queens blog roll under living child free after infertility. I've been dealing for five years without sharing much of my journey with friends or close family. I also have endo and had surgery to remove it a few years ago. I finally decided it was time to reach out to other women who can understand these complex feelings and emotions associated with infertility and eventually the reality that you may live childfree even if it's not necessarily by choice. You can check out my journey over at http://www.notbreedingintheburbs.com/

Kate Bettison said...

Hi Elizabeth - well done on beginning to share your journey. It can be very difficult, as well as cathartic, and also I've found it's made me feel less alone. I'll definitely have a look at your blog - I look forward to it very much!