Changes...

I went to the doctor recently as I was bleeding excessively around that time…you know what I mean…

I had blood tests and found out that I am on the border line of being anaemic – which, in case you don’t know, means my iron levels are very low and I get very tired. I’m on big time iron tablets now and already, in just a week, I am feeling so much better. It’s only now that I look back that I realise just how awfully tired I have been. It’s a relief, really, to find out that there is a reason as to why I have been so lacking in energy for so long – and that there is something that can be done about it.

The diagnosis I was not expecting, though, is that I am now considered to be in the initial stages of perimenopause. Perimenopause is “around the time of” menopause. It’s like you’re heading toward the ocean for a swim, you’re not quite there yet, but you start to smell the salty air of the sea (but just not as much fun…).

I had actually suspected for a while that something was going on. I’m 41 years old and therefore at the age when things usually start winding down for women.

Ironically – one way to control the excessive blood loss is to have a Mirena (a contraceptive device). Look it up if you want to. Personally, I don’t like the idea much myself and I’ll be looking at other ways first – such as acupuncture. At least now there are choices for me other than to have a full hysterectomy as would have been the case just 15 years ago!

Anyway – I’ve gone off topic as to what I really wanted to write about.

The emotional side.

There’s always been a part of me that believes I could try for a baby again if I chose to. There was still time. I could simply change my mind. Now that choice is being taken away from me bit by bit. I’m getting older and my body is changing and saying to me that the option of having a baby is being removed.

I’ve known for a long time, now, that I won’t be having children – but being able to think that the possibility still exists has provided me with an odd sense of comfort.

I thought I was fine with the whole perimenopause thing – until I started to cry last night after dreaming that we had a child. They were about two years old and I was holding them in my arms as they drifted off to sleep. Our little Jacob had come to visit me in my dreams again.

I woke up with that familiar empty feeling and even reached out in a bit of a panic to try and find our son.

But he wasn’t there.

There are people who say that you “get over” being unable to have children.

But I don’t know that I ever really will. And so long as Jacob keeps visiting me in my dreams I don’t know that I would want to – however bitter-sweet those dreams might be.

Changes...

About a year and a half ago Kirby and I decided it was time to do something with the big front room of our house that we had intended for our children. We needed to let go some more. We needed to be able to walk through our house without constantly picturing our kids playing and sleeping safely in their beds in that room.

We ended up dividing the room into two, with one part being a dining room and the other a small study for me. It was rather exciting as we didn’t really have a dining room and now we could have friends and family over for meals more often. We painted a feature wall in an almost apple shade of green and put a lovely picture of trees in the centre of it.

The room looked good. We used it. We didn’t forget that we had intended it to be our children’s room, but it made it easier to see it being used differently.

Then we moved house.

We moved mainly to be closer to our nephew, but also because our old house was eighty years old and needed a lot of maintenance. We bought our lovely new home further out of the city near some beautiful wetlands. It was literally love at first sight when we found it.

As we anticipated moving into our home we though about the different things we could do with it, how it would be our home as a couple…

We were very, very excited.

The six month anniversary of our move has come and gone and to be honest the house is pretty much the same as when we moved in. It is our home, but it is not really reflective of who we are as individuals and as a couple.

Recently I thought that perhaps we needed to live in the house for a while before we could decide what we really wanted to do with the rooms, the colours, the textiles… I figured if we gave it time we would see what we wanted to do.

It’s only really been in the last few weeks that I’ve truly realised why we haven’t made any changes yet. Kirby and I still have work to do as a couple. I mean, we always will have work to do for the rest of our lives, but we have work to do in terms of clarifying what works for each of us (colour, sound, light, smell), sharing those ideas with each other and creating common goals that we can work towards. We need to create a vision together – that doesn’t include anyone else, and doesn’t include children.

I’ve been busy in my little mind creating the house of my dreams, but what I like and what I want may not be what Kirby likes and wants. After eight years together and almost seven years of marriage you would think we would have our likes and dislikes permanently imprinted on each other’s brains, but not so!

This weekend Kirby and I will be sitting down together to have a bit of a brain storming session. I’m looking forward to it, but I think Kirby is looking toward it with some trepidation! I have promised that I won’t be stubborn in my ideas – well, not much…