Cleland and children...

There is a wonderful place in South Australia, in the Adelaide Hills, called Cleland Wildlife Park. Whenever we go there, or anywhere where there are animals to be truthful, my inner child comes out to play. I love animals and quite often ask random strangers if I can pat their dog.

A few weeks ago Kirby and I took the daughter of our friends, Jess, and one of her friends from school, Georgina, to Cleland. It was for Jess’ birthday, which was actually in June, but the year was so unexpectedly busy for all of us that we were only able to find a day to go recently.

I love spending time with the children of our friends and family. The children are all different ages – from six months old to thirteen years old. The stages they go through, the interests they develop, the characteristics they have, are all so fascinating.

It is true that we would have loved to watch our own children change, develop and grow over the years. I often think about what they would be doing now and one of them, the child that would have come from our first cycle of IVF, would have been starting school next year. I can never forget our children and I wouldn’t want to. As the years pass I will think about them and how they would have been turning thirteen, eighteen, forty, and sixty. I will wonder what they might have done with their lives and what they would have been interested in. I will always wonder about them and keep them in my heart.

We are so fortunate, especially because we can’t have our own kids, to have so many children in our lives – children that we love so very much.

Jess and Georgina absolutely amazed me with their imaginative play in the car on the way to Cleland, with their tender attention to the different animals at the park, with their humour, with their sense of adventure, and with the knowledge they have about wildlife and the environment.

Both girls are nine years old, but they quite capably told the koala keeper, when they were getting a photo with a koala, what koalas eat and how they only eat certain eucalyptus trees, and how koalas use their noses to know which leaves they should eat. The koala keeper looked at us and said “Well I guess my job is done!” I think she was pleased with how much the girls knew.

I don’t know what our children would have been like or what they would have been interested in, but I suspect they may have loved animals if they took after me even a little bit. Whoever they would have been, I would have been delighted if they had the loving, interested, compassionate, and funny characteristics that both Jess and Georgina have.

I would have been absolutely delighted.

I love you Jess and Georgina.

Remembering dates…

Last week I was berating myself because I realized I had mixed up the dates of my three IVF cycles and the due dates of the babies from those cycles if they had been born.

I didn’t think that we had worked out when our baby would be due for the first cycle because the cycle was cancelled. I figured out that the baby from the second cycle would have been due on, or around, the 8^th of April (our wedding anniversary), and that the baby from the last cycle would have been due on, or around, the 14^th of September (my Dad’s birthday).

I was certain about those dates, especially over the past few years. I remembered and even celebrated my children based on those dates. We have photos the two embryos that we created and I had one close by me on the 8^th of April and the other on the 14^th of September.  I reflected on what ages our children would be and what they might be like.

I recently obtained my clinical records from when we did IVF. They were rather confusing to read, but what was clear were the dates of the cycles we did, and they differed from my recollections.

The baby from the first cycle, had the cycle not been cancelled, would have been due around the 8^th of April. The baby from the second cycle would have been due on or around the 5^th of June. I did have the date of the final round of IVF correct and the baby would have been due around my Dad’s birthday.

I was upset at myself last week, but I am not anymore for the following reasons.

Going through IVF is incredibly stressful. It consumes your life. Everything is put into trying to have a baby. There are injections and medications to keep up with, regular appointments with doctors and nurses, and everything has to fit in amongst keeping a regular life. There are massive fluctuations in hormones that are a side effect of the medications. Wave upon wave of emotions such as hope, despair, anger, and excitement can flatten or elate you. It is one of the hardest experiences we have ever gone through. Is it any wonder I might have mixed up the dates? I didn’t have any records until recently and had to rely on my memory. I hadn’t kept a journal for the entire experience as I initially thought I would. At times, when we were doing IVF, I didn’t know what day it was or what I was doing or even how I was feeling.  Much of the time was just a confusing blur.

I can’t berate myself for mixing up the dates during the most stressful time I have had in my life. It is not fair on me to do so.

To me intention is important. If someone says or does something that upsets me or I don’t agree with I will consider what their intention was. If their intention was good hearted then I focus on that rather than the words said or the actions taken. Of course, this is always to a point and sometimes I will let the person concerned know if I am hurt by their words or actions, but mostly I let it go.

My intention has always been to remember our children. I don’t want them to fade away to nothing, but to stay in my memory. I got the dates wrong, but my intention was based on my love for my children. I can’t berate myself for that. I remember them regularly and I have had specific dates during the year that I take extra time to reflect on them and wear my star of remembrance. My kids know that I love them.

Now I know the actual dates of our IVF cycles I can change the dates during the year that I especially reflect upon my children. If there had been a baby created from the first cycle of IVF it would have been due on the 8^th of April, but there was not even a spark of life created. This date has returned to being our wedding anniversary only.

I now have the 5^th of June to reflect on our second cycle and the embryo that was created then. And, the 14^th of September remains as the day for reflection for the embryo from the third cycle.

I have changed the dates, my children know I have kept on loving them and will always love them, and there is no need, and never was, any reason to berate myself. 

Cars and corrections...

Hugo and Felix our cat - who also adores Hugo!

Last week I got "corrected"

by my nephew, Hugo, and I had to share this with you.

Regular readers of my blog will know that he is only just three years old, but he is so bright and so very comical.

I had picked Hugo up from child care and brought him back to our place for the evening. I asked him what he wanted to do and he said “Watch “Cars” and play cars.” Cars are pretty much the most awesome thing in Hugo’s world and I think we’ve watched the movie “Cars” together at least 345,212 times (okay – that’s an exaggeration). He’d had a big day at child care so we put on the movie and relaxed together until Kirby came home and we could have dinner.

There is a scene in the “Cars” movie which is very funny – actually there are many scenes that are funny – but this is one I particularly like. There is a scene where two of the characters (animated cars Mater and Lightening McQueen) are tractor tipping in a field (the equivalent of cow tipping!). Mater had warned McQueen to beware of Frank. McQueen had no idea who or what Frank was, until a roar and big beams of light came from behind a hill. Frank is a thresher who looks after the tractors and he was none too happy at Mater and McQueen tipping them over.

McQueen and Mater took off through the field to get to the fence before Frank could catch them.

All enthused, I yelled “Run, Lightening, run!”

Hugo threw me a look of surprise. Then he said “Aunty Kate, McQueen is a car – he has wheels, he can’t run, he has to drive really fast.”

I was definitely corrected! But, the way Hugo said it was more of the tone that he wanted me to understand, and not that he thought I was silly. Although I admit I felt a bit silly!

I love that kid so much. He is kind, intelligent, and basically a good soul. I will always love him no matter what, but he is one of those children that I know I will like when he is an adult regardless of whether he was related to me or not.

When I look at Hugo, I wonder what our children would have been like and what they would have been interested in. I’m sure cars would have been high on their list if they were anything like their Dad, and they would have loved animals and nature if they were anything like me. I wish we could have given Hugo cousins here in Australia – he does have cousins, but they live in another country.

When I see Hugo I could be sad at the reminder that Kirby and I have no children – but I don’t. I just see a little boy who I adore, and I couldn’t imagine life without him.

A Piece of Heaven...

On Saturday my Mum and Dad, Kirby and I, our nephew, Hugo, and our friends’ eight year old daughter, Jess, went to the Beach House. The Beach House is a two storey building by the seashore with waterslides, a carousel, a little train, mini golf, bumper boats and much more.

Mum and Dad had decided that instead of giving Hugo a gift for his third birthday they would take him there – and then Kirby and I were included and then Jess, who Hugo adores, was invited too.

It was a magic day. The kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves at the Beach House and afterwards flying a kite on the beach.  Although I’m not sure who enjoyed the kite the most – the kids or Dad!

When Kirby and I realised that we weren’t going to have children one of the things that hurt most was that we were not going to be giving Mum and Dad grandchildren that they would be able to live close to. My nieces live in another state – a two hour flight or a three day drive away – so Mum and Dad only get to see them a few times a year. I was looking forward to Mum and Dad being able to have grandchildren nearby.

But, perhaps it is that very hurt that has made Saturday so very special and precious. For a day we had a glimpse of what it might have been like if we’d had children. Kirby and I looked like every other couple who were there with their children and parents – nobody who didn’t know us would have thought twice about whether Hugo and Jess were our children or whether Mum and Dad were the doting grandparents.

It was nice. It was better than nice. It was a blessing to spend a day in this type of heaven.

The best bit, though, is that even though Jess and Hugo are not our children, they love us and we love them so very much. We get to spend time with them and every minute is precious. And Mum and Dad love them too.

Sometimes it’s hard not to have what other people have, but when we get a little piece of heaven like we did on Saturday, it is such a beautiful thing.

Special Moments

The older I get the more I realise that childhood is very, very short. In the last month the daughter of one of my friends turned eight, the daughter of another friend turned ten, and my niece will turn twelve at the end of the year. Even our little nephew will be three two days’ time.

As the children in our lives grow up I often think about the things I wanted to share with our children – the things I wanted to show them. I wanted to go to the zoo with them, to go to concerts and the theatre, and I wanted to share with them my love of old movies – particularly “Singing in the Rain”.

On the weekend I got to see what sharing special things with our own children might have been like. I remember the first time I saw Amelia. She was only a few days old and I fell in love. Already it was easy to see that her hair would be auburn. She had lovely chubby cheeks that I just wanted to cover with smooches.

Over the past ten years I have watched her grow from a baby, to a toddler, to a young child, and now to the beginnings of a young lady. She is intelligent, funny, kind, and I adore her. I don’t want it to go too fast, but I am going to love watching her grow into a woman and become the amazing adult I know she will be.

For her tenth birthday I decided to throw her a high tea – just for her Mum, Amelia and me. We had a little cupcakes and cucumber and cheese sandwiches. And, I put on the DVD of “Singing in the Rain”. It was so lovely. Amelia loved the dancing and singing.

Just before Amelia and her Mum were going to go home I gave Amelia her present, which was a copy of the DVD. Her face lit up and her first question was “How did you do that?” I told her that I had a copy of the movie and I wanted her to have one too.

This was a very special day. I got to share something I loved with one of the beautiful children in my life – something I had hoped to share with our children. No – it’s not the same as if we had our own, but it’s pretty awesome nonetheless. I love the children in our lives and I hope they always know how special they are to me.