A few weeks ago I contacted the
IVF clinic we went to between 2007 and 2010 to obtain a copy of my clinical
notes as I am having some investigations soon related to another health issue,
and I was wondering if the two could be linked.
The clinic sent the notes to me
within a week. I had a flick through them and became absolutely furious. The
notes were wrong. They recorded that we had four IVF cycles, but we only had
three. They also mentioned blood tests that were taken in late July 2009 when I
was in New York. There was also no mention of the test that we tried to have to
see if my eggs were any good. I couldn’t believe that they had got my notes so
wrong, and it made me wonder just what else they had got wrong. Perhaps those
zygotes (I hate that word…) that they got rid of because they were poor quality
were actually okay.
I was going to contact the clinic
and they were going to have some explaining to do, but I decided to leave it
for a few days so that I could contact them with a calm state of mind.
A few days later I looked through
the notes to get my facts straight – and I came away feeling very bewildered.
There were only three cycles
mentioned, and I couldn’t find the reference to any blood test being taken at
the end of July 2009. I had misread the notes when I first got them.
Every now and then I want someone
to explain to me why Kirby and I can’t have a child. I want someone to take
responsibility, or I want to find proof that someone made a mistake. I guess it’s
like that for everyone who has had something happen in their lives that just
doesn’t make sense and doesn’t seem fair.
I realise that even before I
started reading the notes I was on the defensive – I wanted to find something
that would explain it all. I saw mistakes in the notes that weren’t there
because I wanted there to be a reason and this time I almost wanted the clinic
to have made a mistake. I wanted to be able to say “There – that’s why it didn’t
work and it’s their fault.”
The truth is we will probably
never know why we can’t have a child. There was never anything found in all the
tests that could explain it.
I know life doesn’t happen the
way we think it will for any of us. Nobody is guaranteed anything for trying to
be a good person, and good things happen for those who do not appreciate them –
my life didn’t come with a guarantee that it would play out I hoped it would.
I know this. And most of the time
I accept it and look to the many positives that are in my life and enjoy what I
do have. But sometimes I wish there was somebody to blame…somebody to blame so
I don’t feel the need to blame myself.
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