One of the hardest
things about not having kids is sharing your plans and dreams with those who do
have kids. We’ve had to rethink our lives and create new dreams that don’t
include having our own children. Our dreams include travel, me being a writer,
Kirby developing computer games, doing volunteer work and pursuing other adventures.
Many of these ambitions would be very difficult, if not impossible, if we had
children.
A year or two ago we
were out to dinner with a few friends (all who have children) and the
conversation was mainly about children. Kirby and I had recently decided that
we would like to go to Alaska to see the glaciers. I was very excited and
wanted to share this with my friends and did so. It is a long term dream, but
one we are steadily working towards. The response from the group was to say how
they couldn’t do that because they had kids, and then the conversation turned
straight back to being about their children.
I love hearing about
the children our friends and family have, but it is not our life. The life
Kirby and I have is different to what we thought it was going to be and we have
worked hard through our grief at not having children and have worked hard to
develop lives that have meaning, goals and happiness.
I want to share our
anticipation about our plans with our friends and family, but sometimes it feels
as though because we don’t have children our news and our plans are not
interesting enough. Sometimes I want to share what’s going on in my life – and sometimes
listening ears are not there, or they are there only for people who have similar
lives to them – in that they have
children.
Don’t get me wrong –
most of our family and friends are very keen to hear about our plans and excitement
at those plans and we are very, very lucky.
Perhaps I’m just in a
down mood today – you know – when you see the negative rather than the positive.
One of our babies
would have been five in a few weeks. I can’t talk about him or her and their
first day at school and their attempts at calisthenics or swimming or whatever
else they would have been interested in. I can talk about all the children in
our lives who I love so much. But, sometimes I feel very lonely in this life –
so very different to most of those around us.
Next time I will be
more positive – I promise…
2 comments:
I completely agree. I love my friends. I love their kids. I love that some of them have even asked us to be god parents. We have wonderful relationships with these children who treat us as family.
However, it's difficult to have a conversation these days, let alone sit down and eat a meal. I understand that it must be tough having to juggle multiple children, or even just one crying baby.
But I still feel the same way as you. And everyone's just waiting for us to have our own baby which, even if that does happen one day, will not be genetically mine. And somehow no one seems to understand how that makes me feel. It's like I'm not a real woman, I can't do what women are supposed to do. Kind of like a racing car that can only be driven in town, town not on the highway.
So yes, maybe you are having a down day, but you should know that there are people like me out there who know those down days.
Again, thanks for sharing :)
Hi Milly - thanks for leaving your comment. I certainly know how it feels regarding not being a real woman...I went through that for quite a while, but eventually I realised that being a woman isn't just about having children - there are many, many ways to be a woman.
Thank you for letting me know that you are out there - it really does help to know there are people who know what it feels like.
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