We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Stuck in a rut...

When I started this blog I made the conscious decision that I would be honest in sharing the different things I experienced – including emotions and thoughts that might be considered negative.

Well – a few weeks ago I had a meltdown. I was going to write about it just after it happened, but instead I have waited until my thoughts have become clearer and the emotions I felt are not so intense.

The instigator to this meltdown was hearing one too many times from mums that their lives were never-ending chores, and day after day they had to do the same stuff. Clean the bathroom, go to work, and feed the kids...being busy, busy, busy…

It’s true that the lives of parents can be insanely busy, and that days seem to go past in a blur of doing the same things again and again. But, just because I don’t have children does not mean that my life does not do the same. The never-ending dishes, the floors that need sweeping, the bills that have to be paid.

Some might say that I have it easier as I have more time than parents do, although this is, in some cases debatable, given I have numerous health issues that have made me exceptionally tired a lot of the time (although recent good news is that there might be an answer to my tiredness!!).

The contest between who has the most to do is not really the point of this blog entry. The meltdown came to the fore when I had an adult tantrum and cried and asked Kirby how parents could really say that their lives were the same day after day when every day they get to see their children develop and grow a little bit more, and they get to watch as their kids learn new skills and become their own people. “At least they get something out of it! They have no idea!” I remember saying as tears rolled down my cheeks.

If anything – I said to Kirby in far more angry words than I am writing here – we are the ones that have the same drudgery day after day because we do all the housework and the bill paying and this and this and this, for what?

Is that the truth though? After some reflection I realised it is not – or at least it doesn’t have to be. Kirby and I can choose to have the same day over and over again and get stuck in a rut of our own making – or we can choose to seek new activities and adventures.

We can also choose to watch with delight, wonder, and interest as, not only the children in our lives, but all the people we care about and ourselves develop and grow and have adventures and become more authentic (all of which never stops as long as we live).

Just in the past few months:
  • One of my nieces has achieved top grades in maths (we definitely do not share that talent – one plus three equals eleven, right?)
  • Another of my nieces has been put up a level in swimming (she is part dolphin just like her Dad!)
  • Our nephew, now five years of age, created a card game for us to play (I love his imagination!)
  • Our friends have been on a holiday throughout Europe (I can’t wait to see their photos!)
  • Kirby has done up another BMX bike (before and after photos below)
  • And Kirby and I have both started mountain biking (I fell off and bruised my leg the first time I tried it!)


Even just writing those four examples has put a smile on my face and a sense of excitement in my heart.

Life doesn’t have to be a rut if we make it an adventure!


Mali said...

This is such a good post and attitude. Yes, I get the feeling of my life being in rut from time to time, but have to shake it off too. And we have friends who have just got back from Europe, and instead of wishing it had been me (which I do!), I'm just going top look forward to hearing about their adventures.

And as aunts rather than parents, we can take genuine pleasure in all the accomplishments of or nieces and nephews, whereas I see parents often get jealous or defensive, comparing their own kids' abilities with those of their siblings' and friends' kids.

loribeth said...

Excellent point! It's up to us to make lemonade out of the lemons life has handed us. Nobody else is going to do it for us.

Kate Bettison said...

Great point about being aunts Mali - we are in a unique and special vantage point.

It really is about choice sometimes Loribeth - :-)

Unknown said...


I'm new to this stuff, my name is Chelsea and I'm 27, and married to the most wonderful man on the planet (very very biased lol). I have PCOS, and because of this and a few other health issues my husband and I have decided that children aren't going to be in the picture for us. I feel that I'm dealing with it pretty well at the moment, because we have two horses, two dogs, and three cats. One of our kitties is only 5 months and we have a 6 month old puppy. Our kitten, Shadow, was a surprise baby. We found him at a local hay barn at barely 2 weeks old, and was the only survivor in his litter. Over the next 4 weeks we bottle fed him, and two weeks after he came to us our planned baby, puppy Brie came home to us.
I understand what you mean by being stuck in a rut, but seeing Shadow learning how to jump, and seeing Brie learn how to do different tasks, like helping me feed the horses, helps me get through it. Perhaps I'm too involved with my animals, but it's how I cope, and I'm happy. I made the choice to be happy, because life is too short and has too many curve balls to be sad. I'm thrilled to see thinges like this post, because it helps remind me that it all really is a choice, and I love that :)

Chelsey P

Kate Bettison said...

Hey Chelsea - Life is definitely too short and making the choice to be happy is important. I see happiness as something where it's like an underlying river, where you still feel sadness and worry and guilt and all those so called negative emotions, but the happiness is still there.

Also - there can never be a thing called "too involved with animals"...I just spent an hour trying to catch one of my fish because one of the other fish was harassing it and I wanted to make sure there were no sores on it...fortunately not!! :-) x