We always thought we would have kids. We started trying when we believed we were ready. A month went by, then two months, six months, a year. Nothing happened.

Something was wrong, but nobody could tell us what - and they still can't to this day. We tried IVF three times but our results were not good. We were devastated.

Eighteen months after our last IVF cycle, we knew we would not be having our own children. And, somehow, we have moved to a life that is much different to the one we thought we'd have.

This blog is about what we do now we know we won't be having children - the thoughts, dreams, realities, sorrows, and joys that have become our new life path.

I hope you will enjoy what I will be sharing, and I hope that if you are at the point where life without children is a reality for you, that you might find some hope and inspiration here.

Tuesday, September 29, 2015

Between awake and asleep...

He is in the realm between awake and asleep
Milky eyes try not to slip behind billowy lids
His gossamer hair plays upon my cheek
As I breathe in the smell of him
That precious newly born scent of him

I trace his face with my finger
Drawing his cheeks, his lips, his nose
Into a comfort for when I must yearn

I raise him up higher than I am
Bring him down to nestle at my breast
My heart beats for both of us
My soul is ever bound to his

It is then that they appear
Those angelic diaphanous beings
To gather him into themselves again

I cannot keep him

I beg for just one more moment
But he is already transforming
From the shape of my child
Into a being of dancing mist

I reach out for his tiny hand
Before it disappears
But he slips through my fingers
And back into their light

My own cry awakens me
My arms reaching out for our son
But he has stayed behind
In the realm between
Awake and asleep