Totally besotted...

I met Ruby Grace (my second-cousin) last Friday, and I am completely in love.

She is a sweet little girl – so tiny and snuggly. Dale handed her to me as soon as I got there and I got to hold her for quite a while. It was wonderful. She started to fuss a little when she was getting tired and didn’t want to go to sleep. It was lovely to be able to settle her by moving her dummy slightly from side to side and gently patting her. Her eyes flickered while she slept and I wondered what she might be dreaming of.

Dale commented that I knew about babies and I said that I had had a lot of practice over the years – including with her fiancé, Josh! I was ten when he was born and I remember changing his nappies! Below is a photo of Josh and me when Josh was checking to see if my Cabbage Patch doll, Cleo, was really asleep – I have already told him that if Ruby is asleep he’d best not check by poking at her eyes.

It was the first time I met Josh’s fiancé, Dale, as well. We hit it off instantly – big hugs as soon as I walked in the door. We even share the habit of accidently putting on odd socks on a regular occasion! Dale and Josh are besotted by Ruby (understandably), but are so relaxed with her as well. That little girl has been born to two wonderful people.

I gave Ruby a gorgeous little romper suit from Eternal Creation, but it will be a while before I get to see her in it as it is size three to six months – but I reckon with her light auburn hair she will look so gorgeous in it! Check out Eternal Creation if you haven’t already – their clothes are beautiful and the company is doing such great work in India. http://www.eternalcreation.com/

I was only planning to stay for about an hour, but two and a half hours later I finally had to tear myself away. I offered to take Ruby with me, but Josh and Dale said no…hmmm…perhaps I should have just snuck her away? Just kidding…kind of…

As I was leaving I told Josh how proud I am of him. I really am so proud of Josh – he is a great Dad and no doubt will continue to be so.

Ruby and me

The romper suit for Ruby

My little cousin, Josh, and me.

***

I wanted to briefly mention the next blog entry I have planned. I will be writing it over the weekend or early next week. It will be about something that happened this week that I am not proud of. I have thought long and hard about writing about it, but this blog is meant to be about all the experiences and emotions I have now I can’t have children. That must include those experiences that are difficult to talk about because they have made me ashamed, because other people who can’t have children may well have similar experiences and I want them to know they are not alone.

Not having children brings about such a range of emotions and the darker ones can’t be ignored, especially by me in this blog as I want to be honest and I want to share things that might help other people to realize that the darker emotions are normal.

One of my favorite writers, Thomas Moore, says in his book “Care of the Soul”:

“The soul presents itself in a variety of colours, including all shades of gray, blue, and black. To care for the soul, we must observe the full range of all its colourings, and resist the temptation to approve only of white, red, and orange – the brilliant colors.” Moore, Thomas (1994) Care of the Soul, HarperCollins, New York

So, next time my entry will be a little bit darker.

A Piece of Heaven...

On Saturday my Mum and Dad, Kirby and I, our nephew, Hugo, and our friends’ eight year old daughter, Jess, went to the Beach House. The Beach House is a two storey building by the seashore with waterslides, a carousel, a little train, mini golf, bumper boats and much more.

Mum and Dad had decided that instead of giving Hugo a gift for his third birthday they would take him there – and then Kirby and I were included and then Jess, who Hugo adores, was invited too.

It was a magic day. The kids thoroughly enjoyed themselves at the Beach House and afterwards flying a kite on the beach.  Although I’m not sure who enjoyed the kite the most – the kids or Dad!

When Kirby and I realised that we weren’t going to have children one of the things that hurt most was that we were not going to be giving Mum and Dad grandchildren that they would be able to live close to. My nieces live in another state – a two hour flight or a three day drive away – so Mum and Dad only get to see them a few times a year. I was looking forward to Mum and Dad being able to have grandchildren nearby.

But, perhaps it is that very hurt that has made Saturday so very special and precious. For a day we had a glimpse of what it might have been like if we’d had children. Kirby and I looked like every other couple who were there with their children and parents – nobody who didn’t know us would have thought twice about whether Hugo and Jess were our children or whether Mum and Dad were the doting grandparents.

It was nice. It was better than nice. It was a blessing to spend a day in this type of heaven.

The best bit, though, is that even though Jess and Hugo are not our children, they love us and we love them so very much. We get to spend time with them and every minute is precious. And Mum and Dad love them too.

Sometimes it’s hard not to have what other people have, but when we get a little piece of heaven like we did on Saturday, it is such a beautiful thing.

Find Me Somebody to Blame...

A few weeks ago I contacted the IVF clinic we went to between 2007 and 2010 to obtain a copy of my clinical notes as I am having some investigations soon related to another health issue, and I was wondering if the two could be linked.

The clinic sent the notes to me within a week. I had a flick through them and became absolutely furious. The notes were wrong. They recorded that we had four IVF cycles, but we only had three. They also mentioned blood tests that were taken in late July 2009 when I was in New York. There was also no mention of the test that we tried to have to see if my eggs were any good. I couldn’t believe that they had got my notes so wrong, and it made me wonder just what else they had got wrong. Perhaps those zygotes (I hate that word…) that they got rid of because they were poor quality were actually okay.

I was going to contact the clinic and they were going to have some explaining to do, but I decided to leave it for a few days so that I could contact them with a calm state of mind.

A few days later I looked through the notes to get my facts straight – and I came away feeling very bewildered. There were only three cycles mentioned, and I couldn’t find the reference to any blood test being taken at the end of July 2009. I had misread the notes when I first got them.

Every now and then I want someone to explain to me why Kirby and I can’t have a child. I want someone to take responsibility, or I want to find proof that someone made a mistake. I guess it’s like that for everyone who has had something happen in their lives that just doesn’t make sense and doesn’t seem fair.

I realise that even before I started reading the notes I was on the defensive – I wanted to find something that would explain it all. I saw mistakes in the notes that weren’t there because I wanted there to be a reason and this time I almost wanted the clinic to have made a mistake. I wanted to be able to say “There – that’s why it didn’t work and it’s their fault.”

The truth is we will probably never know why we can’t have a child. There was never anything found in all the tests that could explain it.

I know life doesn’t happen the way we think it will for any of us. Nobody is guaranteed anything for trying to be a good person, and good things happen for those who do not appreciate them – my life didn’t come with a guarantee that it would play out I hoped it would.

I know this. And most of the time I accept it and look to the many positives that are in my life and enjoy what I do have. But sometimes I wish there was somebody to blame…somebody to blame so I don’t feel the need to blame myself.

Introducing...

In 2003, about a year before I met Kirby, I had a very special dream about my Grandma – my Dad’s Mum. I dreamt I was in a long hallway and she was standing at one end and me at the other. Between us was a little girl who looked about two years old, who was toddling towards me. Grandma looked at me and said “This is Ruby – you will look after her now.”

My Grandma had died on Boxing Day 1999.

I met Kirby in October 2004, and not long after we met I told him about the dream. We had already talked about having children, and he thought that Ruby would be the perfect name for a daughter if we had one. Kirby even bought me a necklace with a ruby stone for our first Christmas together.

Not long into our relationship I found out that Kirby’s Grandma, his Mum’s Mum, was called Grace. It was just right for the second name for our Ruby. Ruby Grace – it sounded beautiful.

We never had our Ruby Grace, or our Jacob Arthur either (Arthur after my Dad).

I have eleven cousins, and one of them is Joshua. It often seems strange to me that he is a well and truly grown up man now – I used to change his nappy and bath him when he was a little baby! Although I suppose I was only ten when he was born. I haven’t seen Josh for quite a few years.

A few days ago Josh and his partner, Dale, had their first child. They had a little girl, and they called her Ruby Grace. Out of the millions of names they could have chosen, they chose the exact name that we were going to call our daughter if she had turned up. Joshua and I have never spoken about names, and he had no idea about our intentions.

I have seen a photo of Ruby Grace and will be going down to visit Josh, Dale and Ruby in the next few weeks. She is beautiful – as you can see from the photo below.

Little Ruby has already made a wonderful difference in my life, as she will be the reason that I will see Josh again – I have missed him and can’t wait to see him because of who he is, as well as for his daughter and Dale of course.

I’ll admit that when I found out Josh and Dale had called their daughter Ruby Grace a part of my heart hurt a bit. It didn’t last long and now you couldn’t wipe the smile off my face if you tried!

It would have been wonderful if there were two Ruby Graces in our family – I’m sure our Ruby would have led baby Ruby astray…but, having Josh and Dale’s Ruby Grace arrive this week is incredible and she has made the world a more beautiful place.

I’ll definitely do a blog entry after I meet her for the first time.

Ruby Grace – how awesome is that?

Special Moments

The older I get the more I realise that childhood is very, very short. In the last month the daughter of one of my friends turned eight, the daughter of another friend turned ten, and my niece will turn twelve at the end of the year. Even our little nephew will be three two days’ time.

As the children in our lives grow up I often think about the things I wanted to share with our children – the things I wanted to show them. I wanted to go to the zoo with them, to go to concerts and the theatre, and I wanted to share with them my love of old movies – particularly “Singing in the Rain”.

On the weekend I got to see what sharing special things with our own children might have been like. I remember the first time I saw Amelia. She was only a few days old and I fell in love. Already it was easy to see that her hair would be auburn. She had lovely chubby cheeks that I just wanted to cover with smooches.

Over the past ten years I have watched her grow from a baby, to a toddler, to a young child, and now to the beginnings of a young lady. She is intelligent, funny, kind, and I adore her. I don’t want it to go too fast, but I am going to love watching her grow into a woman and become the amazing adult I know she will be.

For her tenth birthday I decided to throw her a high tea – just for her Mum, Amelia and me. We had a little cupcakes and cucumber and cheese sandwiches. And, I put on the DVD of “Singing in the Rain”. It was so lovely. Amelia loved the dancing and singing.

Just before Amelia and her Mum were going to go home I gave Amelia her present, which was a copy of the DVD. Her face lit up and her first question was “How did you do that?” I told her that I had a copy of the movie and I wanted her to have one too.

This was a very special day. I got to share something I loved with one of the beautiful children in my life – something I had hoped to share with our children. No – it’s not the same as if we had our own, but it’s pretty awesome nonetheless. I love the children in our lives and I hope they always know how special they are to me.

The Pain Olympics

A couple of weeks ago there was a segment on a current affairs program about women who have chosen not to have children and the way they are viewed by society. The build-up to the story was intense, while the story itself didn’t really add much that was very meaningful.

There was a discussion on Facebook on the segment (both before and after the airing) and, wow, did people get nasty! I couldn’t believe the treatment people with extreme view from both sides (those who want kids and those who don’t) levelled at each other. It disgusted me really.

I have always supported a person’s right to choose whether or not to have children, and I added this to the debate:

Many people still assume it’s a choice to have or not have children. It’s not always – I’ve lost two babies through miscarriage and had three unsuccessful rounds of IVF. I wanted to have children, but it’s not going to happen. I was asked one time if I think people who could have children and don’t are selfish. No – I don’t – my blog covers this and other issues with being unable to have kids. With the pressure on people to have children in this society, I think it is incredibly unselfish and brave to stick with not having children, as the judgment on people who don’t want children can be very harsh. What I can’t understand is why hard core people from either side (who want to have children or who don’t want to have children) feel the need to judge each other, say cruel things about the other’s choices, and do not try to accept that people are different. We may not all have a choice about having children, but we do all have a choice as to how we treat each other.

I got an interesting response that indicated I was naïve about the situation (in terms of I don’t know how hard it is when somebody chooses not to have children and is judged for that choice), and that most of the judgment was from women who were bitter because they couldn’t have children. Basically I was told that people who want children and can’t have them are given far more understanding and support.

I was somewhat disconcerted about the responses I received. My point of the above entry was to say that as someone who couldn’t have children I absolutely respected people’s choices not to have children. I didn’t say I understood what being judged for that choice was like – it’s true, I don’t know what that would be like.

The thing that really got me, though, was the assumption that it is somehow easier for those who want children but can’t have them. I want to set a couple of things straight about that:

• ·         It is not always the case that every person who is unable to have children gets support and understanding.
• ·         IVF clinics (at least in our experience) don’t provide much support – especially when they realize you are unlikely to be a success story. They kind of dump you at that point.
• ·         Comments leveled at us can really hurt – such as insinuations that we gave up too easily, that we are putting money above having children, that we are selfish for not keeping on trying, that we don’t have enough faith that we can have children, that God has judged us as not being worthy to be parents – trust me – I have had all of these comments directed at me at one time or another.

I know it can be hard for people who choose not to have children – but it’s not always. People who can’t have children and want them may get more support – but not always. And, why exactly does it matter who gets more support and understanding? The pain exists for both groups – and as far as I know there are no gold medals given out in some kind of Pain Olympics for who has it worst.

Well – that’s my rant for today, except for one last thing. Why was it that the segment only interviewed women? Surely, there are men who choose not to have children – I would be very interested in their experiences too.

What works?

So, I haven’t heard from the latest publisher that I sent the “When You Can’t Have Kids” manuscript to – so I can assume that they are not interested. It’s fun trying to get published! This particular publisher’s way of letting you know if you are unsuccessful is for you to wait three months and then you can assume they are not interested – there is no email to say you have been unsuccessful, let alone feedback.

I went through my usual hour of being disappointed and then I had a brain wave. I’ve written the book in the format of a short overview of our story, then 34 chapters with each covering a different issue we have experienced such as forgiveness, grief, telling other people, anniversaries of when our babies would have been born, and being around children. In each chapter there is a little story and then I discuss how the particular issue has impacted on Kirby and me.

Now I’m starting to think that this format may not be the best way to write “When You Can’t Have Kids.” I’m thinking that perhaps it would be better to write our story as a story (as in a novel). I’m thinking that perhaps in its current format it sounds like I am lecturing a bit, which is something I never wanted to do.

So, my lovely readers, I am seeking your opinions – should I stick to the current format, or should I rewrite it as a novel? I really would value your opinions.

I'm not able to attach a file to this blog entry, so I've pasted a chapter from the book below so that you can get an idea of what the book looks like. 

Can’t wait to hear from you!

Chapter Fourteen: Who Are We?

“But let there be spaces in your togetherness,

And let the winds of the heavens dance between you...

Love one another, but make not a bond of love.

Let it rather be a moving sea between the shores of your souls.” From “The Prophet”, Kahlil Gibran, artist, poet and writer, 1883-1931.

After what was to be our final round of IVF I was at a bit of a loss as to what to do with my life. I had quit my job and I had time on my hands. I thought long and hard about it and decided that I really did want to follow my dream of being a writer. I looked into the courses that were available at local colleges and universities and selected a Masters of Creative Writing. I put in my application, along with a portfolio of writing, and I waited. It seemed to take forever to get news on whether I had been accepted or not, and I eventually came to the conclusion that I had not been successful. I was wrong. I was so excited to receive a letter of offer and I enrolled as soon as I could.

There were seven other students in the course from all different backgrounds. We all got along instantly and the support within the group was tangible. I was in heaven. I legitimately had a reason to write, I met three times a week with people who were as passionate about books and writing as I was. I threw myself into my studies. I wrote as often as I could. I participated in every aspect of the course.

It was at the end of the first year of the course, 2008, that the IVF clinic was to do the test on my eggs to see what their quality was like, but this didn't happen. During the second year of my course Kirby and I came to the realisation that we wouldn't be trying IVF again and that meant that we were very unlikely to have children.

One of the things I loved about university was that I could wear jeans and sneakers. I love wearing jeans and sneakers. I was able to be casually dressed instead of having to dress up in work clothes all the time. It was great. I wore minimal jewellery and minimal make-up and I felt right at home.

I was walking up to the university on a fine, clear morning in spring. The sunshine was lovely on my face and I was looking forward to the class. I wasn’t thinking about anything in particular as I glanced down at my left hand and realised that my ring finger was unadorned. I remembered that my wedding and engagement rings were still on my jewellery stand at home – I had forgotten to put them on before I left that morning. That’s what I told myself, anyway, but I began to feel uneasy as I realised that I couldn’t actually remember the last time I had worn my rings anywhere.

I’ve never actually worn a lot of jewellery. I like jewellery, but I’m not much of a girl’s girl and I tend to keep it pretty simple. Sometimes I’ll forget to put jewellery on when I go out and I take off most of it if I’m just going to be at home. The two pieces that are always on me, though, are my wedding ring and my engagement ring. Kirby had my engagement ring designed. I love it because it is not too girly, but it is beautiful. My wedding ring matches the engagement ring perfectly. When I realised that I hadn’t worn my rings for quite some time I felt very uneasy.

My studies were what was keeping me going and giving me a greater sense that perhaps there was something else out there if I wasn’t going to be a Mum. It was a way to be myself. I liked it. It was apart from being an IVF client, apart from someone who wanted children, apart from being someone who couldn't have children, and it was apart from being a wife.

It scared me how much I enjoyed it all, and how much I liked being just me, and how uncertain I was about every other role in my life, especially being a wife. I kept those thoughts to myself, but I still turned them over in my mind and moved from seriously thinking about leaving our marriage, to feeling so ashamed it hurt. I knew that if I left Kirby I would hurt him so badly, but I just didn't know if I wanted to be married any more. The main question that ran around in my head was that if I knew that we wouldn’t have children, would I have married Kirby? I sometimes thought the answer was no. I would have stayed single, stayed in my apartment, and stayed myself.

I couldn't understand it. It took me a couple of months, but eventually I realised that I had to talk to someone about it, and that person had to be Kirby. We sat down towards the end of the year and I told him what I had been feeling. To my utter surprise he said that he had been feeling the same way. We both sat there dumbfounded, unsure why this had happened and unsure what to do next.

We didn't have answers straight away, but we talked a lot over the coming weeks, and we realised what the problem was. From the day we had met we saw our future, our relationship, as being very much focussed on being parents. We believed we would have children and we expected to be partners in raising them. Our main focus over the past few years as a couple had been on trying to have children. Now that was all gone and we weren't sure what we had. Who were we as a couple?

We needed to do some work. We needed to redefine our relationship based on us as a couple, and not as parents. It took time, talking, being together and being alone with our thoughts to work through this. There weren't definite solutions that would fix it, but some of the things we did were to focus on our pets, to think about our house and how it worked for us as a couple, to set goals that we could achieve as a couple, to set goals we could achieve as individuals with the support of the other, and we also thought about ourselves as individuals and began to give each other space on a regular basis. By the end of the year I was again wearing my rings full time, and I felt settled in our marriage.

This uncertainty in a relationship does not just happen for people who realise they can't have kids. I think all couples go through it at one time or another, and for different reasons, such as children move out of home, or one partner moves forward on a career or personal trajectory ahead of the other. There are all sorts of reasons, but for us it rested on who we were as a couple if we couldn't have children.

And it's not over yet. I realise that for the rest of our lives we will be redefining our relationship as different experiences and knowledge come our way. We'll meet them as they come along, but I am thankful that I had those feelings of wanting to leave. They gave Kirby and I an opportunity to really recommit to our marriage, and to learn how to talk to each other in a way that we hadn't needed to before. Our marriage is stronger, and I am grateful for that.